our ectopic, the monks & major life decisions

Two and a half months later, and what a couple of months it has been. My miscarriage was actually an ectopic pregnancy, which put me in the emergency room for 9 hours before we had it figured out. It didn't burst and I didn't need surgery - that was the bright side. "It could have been worse" has been a motto of sorts since January.

The day after my ER visit, my brother arrived from Chicago. He came out, dropping his wife and kids in Kentucky on the way, to start a new life here. We offered our place as a transition-point while he found a job and a place to live. He did both, and is moving out in 3 days. His family will meet him here in a week. I've never spent a ton of time with him as adults, and this time has been trying and a test of patience to say the least. But it could have been worse.

Last week I took a staycation, and scheduled myself with appointments & yoga so I wouldn't be too tempted to stick around the house (and get sucked in to all the distractions). I wanted to take care of myself and try to heal both physically and mentally. One of my appointments was with an acutonics practitioner. After the treatment she told me that she had been wanting to see me since she heard about my ectopic. She had had a dream and wanted to tell me that although the ectopic was awful for us, we actually were quite lucky that we did not have that child. That the sperm is bad, and we shouldn't use it anymore. I was so fascinated and truly respect this doctor, and even if I didn't buy into it all, how can I ignore someone telling me that the sperm we have chosen essentially has a curse on it? (OK that was my interpretation - we actually have no idea what she meant when she told us it was "bad sperm" and that we shouldn't use it, and we discussed tonight how we're probably better not knowing).

I've been working on a lot of my past shit, trying to "go deep" so I stop repeating unhealthy patterns in my life. One of the things I signed up for was a bi-weekly women's group. We meet and meditate, draw, have "sound baths" with gongs, etc. With all of this personal work, I've started to have some clarity on some things. Namely, what to do about the sperm. I realized that I don't want to switch donors, and I don't want to use the one we have. When it comes down to it, I want a kid that's 100% biologically linked with our toddler. And if that doesn't happen, we will adopt.

A quick backstory: When we got pregnant with our now toddler, we called the bank and all of the vials of our donor had been bought up. We were devastated. I tried twice to find people who had vials stored from this donor, but none were willing to give it up. I'm 39, we felt we needed to let it go, so we chose this other donor. That brings us to today.

I decided to reach out on a forum today to find out if anyone had reconsidered. Within a couple of hours I got an email from a woman who is willing to give up some vials "once we have a healthy baby." They'll be trying this summer, and if all goes well they'll have their kid next Spring. Which means at that time we could get some vials. I can hardly believe it!

I'm nervous. It's not guaranteed that we'll get any, or that I'll have any eggs left by then. But it's some hope.

So back to my acutonics practioner. She's a Korean Buddhist Naturopath, and her parents in Korea go to the monks once a month to ask for guidance. Recently her mom went and asked about me and my husband (who's a colleague of hers).

They told her that this year is not a good year for a baby, and neither is next year.
This year's a good year to move.
It's a good year to buy a house.
I'm having family issues and will for the next 5 years.
That there will be a baby girl in our future.

I kind of love it (all but the family issues). I won't hold my breath but I will certainly hold onto some hope!

bébé numéro deux

Well we're back on the baby-making wagon! Over the last few months B and I have definitely both felt the urge more and more, but it was really only a month ago that we decided to go for it. We found a new donor (it took a long time for me to get over not being able to use our original donor - but all the supply is gone so its just not an option), which I'm actually really happy with.

I didn't think we'd start this soon - I figured my hormones were way too out of whack, I wanted to lose more weight, etc., but I went to the doctor after doing a blood draw and everything looked good!

So we bought 4 vials and decided only five days ago that we'd do it, thinking that today would be ovulation day. We inseminated last night! 

The thing is, I only had been taking my temperature for a week so I don't have my pattern this time around. I also insem'd at almost midnight after getting my first positive OPK that morning around 11am. Now I'm thinking that was too early, especially because I felt ovulation cramping today. So I feel like we should've waited until tonight or even tomorrow. This is why we should have ordered two vials. 

Oh well. Next month I'll make sure I have a full month of temps and possibly order two vials. That said my first baby resulted from one one insem so I don't want to drive myself too crazy with the details. I realize that each person is different as well as each cycle, and I just need to stay patient (while still tracking and monitoring it all).

The countdown to 14 DPO (Jan 4, '13)

12/20 (11:30pm) insem

12/21 Ovulation: (9pm) ovu cramping - lots, and sharp!
12/22 1dpo: no more cramping, still +OPK (~3pm), late night gum/roof of mouth sensitivity
12/23 2dpo: tiny pinching, nothing bad; very faint OPK ~noon
12/24 3dpo: low-grade, annoying Ovu cramps pretty much all day
12/25 4dpo: more of the same, super tired
12/26 5dpo: not feeling much until evening cramping, starting to definitely over think every twinge!
12/27 6dpo: so, so tired; mild cramping, either sick or pregnant
12/28 7dpo: feeling OK, not many symptoms, slight cramping, dark nipples??
12/29 8dpo super cramping in a.m., metallic mouth, dizzy & queasy. coming down with cold
12/31 10dpo not much since yesterday, definitely pull in uterus, one very dark nipple, slightly queasy but sick so who the heck knows? very emotional, starting to feel like I'm not pregnant (very few symptoms)
1/1/13 11dpo still very tired, but I'm sick sick sick. slight pull in uterus, HUGE appetite in late evening
1/5/13 15dpo no period but four negative pregnancy tests. I still feel pregnant (particular twitches) but maybe I'm just in denial. High temp this morning. Will test again on Monday if no period, but not hopeful.
1/12/13  22dpo and got a BFP last night!

No, really. I'm queer.

Today was Pride downtown, and we didn't go. We went last year and marched, with the babe in a carrier, sleeping most of the way. It was a lot of fun, actually, although we decided not to do it again this year. It seemed too much of a hassle to bus in with a toddler and a stroller (last year it was super packed without our stroller). We weren't sure of the weather, either, and didn't want to get stuck.

And so on.

Really, we just didn't make it happen. And I'm kind of sad about that. Every year I think about Pride and its origins - the parade itself makes it hard not to be conflicted. Are we here to celebrate those who risked their lives rioting in New York in 1969? To recognize those who paved the way for me to even exist in my relationship without fearing for my life everyday? I hope so. But sometimes it seems like it's all about getting drunk and watching the buff&beautiful dance on top of the Bud Light truck. So, why bother? Why not find another, more resistant way to recognize this momentus day?

Because it's important for me to be there, and for my family to be there. We are a queer, hetero-normative-looking couple living with our toddler in the suburbs. But this is our community, and we should be there celebrating the fact that we can live our lives the way we want - we should be marching and showing everyone who cares to notice that we are creating happy, healthy, and loving families. We are not lucky - those drag queens, gay men, lesbians and queers helped hand us what we have today. Next year, I will celebrate that publicly, alongside my friends and their families. I can't wait.