keeping track, this cycle

I realize I haven't been keeping track on here, so:

0 dpo, jan 10: insemination in a.m., one day after strong opk line
1 dpo: strong ov cramps, very tired
2 dpo: very strong ov cramps, woke me up at 3:30am, very tired
3 dpo: very mild cramps, slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
4 dpo: slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
5 dpo: dull aches in uterus area, pinchy at times very emotional & tired, wet cm, breasts sore
6-10 dpo: breasts are sore in a deep way, almost feels bruised from the side. woke up very stuffy 10dpo, had wet cm 6-8 dpo. still tired. very emotional 8-10 dpo. slight aches but hardly noticable.
11 dpo: breasts still sore, nose is a bit stuffy. My uterus feels hard - B put his hand on it last night to see if there was anything there energetically (he does cranio and is in tune with those sorts of things) and he said it was very busy. I have been feeling a bit of a tugging or heaviness there for a few days. Still tired today, even though I had a latte this morning. I lifted many boxes this morning and am a bit nervous - my uterus feels more active since then. Not sure if I can wait to test, but I want to wait until at least 14 dpo...
12 dpo: BFN. I couldn't wait. Heavy breasts, not much of any feeling in my uterus.

I might be tired because it's been gray and dreary outside, and I can't get myself to bed before midnight.

willing vs. not willing to be known donors (5 dpo)

I had a freak out yesterday. The donor we have chosen is anonymous, aka not willing to be known once the child(ren) turns 18. I realized that in my very first major decision for this child, I have already taken the choice away from him/her regarding whether or not they will be able to meet or know anything about the person who have provided half of their genes. I went online and found all sorts of angry now-adults who think having anonymous donors should be illegal. I keep thinking that I'm not being a good parent by taking that choice away. Frankly, the only reason we are going with our current sperm bank is because it is $300/vial vs. $600 vial, which seems to be standard everywhere else. The catch is that our sperm bank has little to no donors who are willing to be known.

I did find some great resources, like the donor sibling registry that made me feel a bit better about it. It does seem that there is a community of folks out there hoping to make connections with others who come from the same donor.

All in all this is just such a strange, surreal thing and my head is spinning with it all. It makes me want to revisit the idea of finding a known donor - I do have one person in mind, someone I've known for 15+ years, who will be a part of my children's lives regardless of whether he's the donor or not. If I do go that route, and he says yes, we'll have to go through with the testing and probably wait a few months, which will be hard.

I just want to have this figured out and be comfortable with it all. Plus I might be pregnant, which will make this worry a moot point.

TTC #4 and Feeling Good

Go, sperm, go!
(A little crampy today.)

We inseminated yesterday morning. Today is CD18. On CD16 I got a strong LH surge line on my OPK, but looking at my cycles in the past, there's about 5 days between a strong LH line and my temperature rise. Plus, since we're doing IUI, and doctors tend to do IUIs 24-48 hours after the LH surge, we decided to wait a day. By morning my cervix was low but still a bit open, and my fluids were pretty dry. But we did it anyway. About 12 hours later I noticed some fertile fluid so maybe the timing was OK? I feel good about it - I feel like I've learned a bunch about my particular cycles and feel that this was better timing than in the past. I guess we'll just wait and see.

I am feeling pretty positive, trying not to let my fear of not getting pregnant make me too anxious. Just in the last couple of weeks I've heard of several women who've found out they're pregnant. A friend of ours called saying she had a "strong vision" - one of me super prego in our house, and then one with B and I head-to-head looking at our baby. Then I saw my chiropractor who said he thinks it'll be very soon. Not sure what any of these folks are seeing or why, but I'm going with it and staying positive, being grateful for my pregnancy (whenever that happens) and looking forward to being a parent. In the meantime I'm enjoying my life at home with B and friends.

trans-partnered in lesbianville

It's 2pm on xmas eve and I've not done one thing to get ready for tomorrow. My list:

buy gift certificate for 18 yo niece

get cash for 15 yo niece 

make 3 cards for 11 yo niece, 8 yo niece, and 5 yo nephew

find plastic/wood vegetables or fruit for 2 yo nephew

Yet I've been sitting here, still in my pajamas, all day. I read for two hours when I woke up, never leaving the bedroom. Then came out to make lunch and have been on the computer since. 

Yesterday I received an email from a queer-baby-making listserv I'm on, and a woman had written in about how low she was feeling. She has at least a few more days until she finds out if she's pregnant or not (like me), had a low temp that day and was feeling really bummed that this probably wasn't her month. I felt for her so much - I emailed her back to reiterate a quote I'd read on a lesbian-baby blog that said "if this month isn't the one, take solace in the thought that it may only be 30 days until you find out you're pregnant." It's a beautiful sentiment that's helped me recently, so I sent it to her, introducing myself as someone who is on the same timing as her, and as frustrated.

She wrote me back today asking me for coffee. I would love to meet this woman, but immediately got nervous. All the woman I've seen post on the listserve have been women with women partners. No men and no trans presence at all. Although that's an assumption on my part - I don't really know that for sure. So I looked this woman up. She works with non-profits and spells womyn and loves the Michigan Woman's Festival. I immediately made an assumption that she'll be an anti-trans separatist, and started leaning toward telling her I couldn't meet. 

But here's this woman, having a hard time and feeling alone, in a similar position to me. I should talk to this woman. 

I find myself wanting to send her a "heads-up" email, letting her know to not be surprised when I say "he" when referring to my partner. Is this about me, and my insecurities with the queer community around trans folks? Is it necessary to be so wary? Or is this one of those times I need to assume the good in people? It's not like this town isn't a hub for transgender people...she must as least have exposure, right?

I realize I alienate myself because I assume we will not be accepted. It's certainly not the way I want to live my life - I need to be pull in my confidence around this relationship, my partnerand myself, and not be afraid to show people who we are. It's self-oppression. Something that I contribute to, and something I need to change. And will work on starting now.

My gift to myself: merry xmas eve.

11 or 13 dpo

I'm not actually sure when I ovulated. We inseminated on Dec 8th & 9th, but between my LH surge and my temperature I don't feel like I ovulated until Dec 12, so it'd really be something if I got pregnant with those odds...

I'm really tired today - I can't seem to fully wake up. I slept fine, no weird dreams (the first two times we inseminated I had crazy dreams, but I was traveling and sleeping in new places, too), so I'm not sure what's going on.

About 1pm I had a wave of nausea, but it went away quickly when I ate some food. Now I'm at work and I feel incredibly spaced out, like I didn't get any sleep. I'm almost dizzy even. I hope I'm not getting sick...

I did do a cheap test yesterday morning around 9am that was negative, although I woke up at 5am to pee, so maybe the hcg concentration wouldn't have been high enough after that if I was pregnant.

I went ahead today and made an appointment with the infertility doctor for Jan 5 - it'll either be to start the infertility testing or to confirm a positive pregnancy. I obviously am hoping for the second.

back on the baby wagon, take #3

And I'm back. Back in June we went to see a fairly harsh doctor who told me I probably wasn't ovulating, pre-PCOS, and should just stop trying for a while since we're paying for it. All things I heard and understood, but she was kind of brutal in her delivery. Anyway I was pretty upset about that doctors visit (and won't be going back to her), but also with my travel schedule so busy during the summer and fall months, we decided to wait until December. So here we are, in December, and we just used those two vials I mentioned in an earlier post - after that June doctor's visit we shipped it back before any melting of the ice occurred. We've paid storage on it for a while and have finally used it.

The inseminations went well. I still felt almost nothing during the IUI. I'm currently 12 dpo and have cramped fairly consistently since ovulation. I'm not sure if I have cysts or if this is implantation. I've read a bunch how it's fairly common for women to cramp all the way to week 12 of pregnancy, starting with ovulation. However this is only take #3, and as much as I want to believe I'm pregnant, I can't let myself go completely there. Not after the my emotional reaction of getting AF the first two times.

It's now the point in my cycle when everytime I go to the bathroom I brace myself for AF. So far, so good. I could start bleeding anytime between now and the day after xmas. I hope it's not on xmas - I'll be with my entire family (who doesn't know I've started this process back up) and it'll be hard not to say anything. But I won't - my mom in particular will be too sad.

It's been interesting getting back into this. I really put my prego thoughts on the back burner over the last six months, because everytime I did let those thoughts enter, I got so so emotional. I'm not sure why I have such grief, still, over those first two attempts. All I can do it hope it gets better, and hope we get pregnant soon. I need to keep reminding myself that this is only our third try.

I did see an ob/gyn last week, who referred me to a fertility specialist. That freaked me out, but I'm 36, using frozen sperm, and have had irregular periods my whole life. When it comes down to it I could use the help. 

moving on

We called for two units this month - we've done only one for the first two times with no luck. We found out today that our donor who had 14 vials last month now only has one left. I freaked out. Ultimately we have ordered a new guy - he's still Swedish and has other traits we are looking for - the main difference is that he's Italian. No problem there really but neither of us are so it'll take some getting used to.

Anyway it was a rough morning. We considered skipping a month so we could figure this out. Went to a bunch of different cryobank websites until we realized we just can't afford the major ones out there. So we landed on this new guy, without even ordering his full profile. I actually feel pretty good about it.