another ultrasound

I had an appointment at the fertility clinic today. She went over my 3 day ultrasound, blood test and my HSG. We talked charting and next steps, which looks like it's going to be a clomid/hcg cycle. I'm nervous about it and really hope I'm just pregnant, of course, so I can avoid the drugs altogether.

I did ask her about the ovary pain I've gotten each cycle after/during ovulation, and suddenly I was having another ultrasound so we could see if I ovulated or not, and which side. The doc went above and beyond, which was pretty great! Anyway I saw my ovaries and the corpeus luteum post-ovulation, which was really cool!

So, today is 3dpo (I think) and it seems WAY too soon to have any symptoms. I'm cramping like I always do during ovulation, but what surprises me is how sensitive my nipples are.

Trying to stay positive and hopeful...

2dpo (i think)

I'm not sure when I ovulated. Today's the first day there's no OPK line, and last night my cervix was low but still open. I'm getting very frustrated about not knowing enough about my cycles, when what happens. And I have yet to find one doctor who has looked at my charts in depth. Just a quick glance, and "yep, looks great!".

Anyway we inseminated Monday night. It's now Wednesday afternoon. Today's mantra, "Healthy cells are dividing and dividing and dividing."

obsessed

Ultrasound & HSG (CD16)

What a weird cycle so far. I got my period for only three days this month - normally it's five. Then I got my 3 day ultrasound to look at my ovaries, which was actually very cool! I could see the follicles in their various sizes and stages (the left photo is not mine, but gives you an idea). I had 16 in the left and 10 in the right, so good numbers.

Then last week I got an HSG - I was so nervous! I'm getting used to the sterile atmosphere of a hospital clinic - the room was cavernous, cold and daunting. The HSG was a bit uncomfortable, but it was short-lived and I got to see the dye running through my tubes out into my body. Turns out I have one curly Q tube, but the doc said that was normal. The dye went all the way through both tubes, so we're all clear!

I figured I'd have an early cycle, so I've been monitoring everything for a several days now. I had FM on day 8 or 10 (can't remember at the moment) which threw me off, but I kept tracking anyway. Temps have been stable in mid-range since the beginning of the cycle. My cervix is looking low and not quite open. We almost inseminated last night but decided against it - my OPK line was not quite dark enough yesterday, and I didn't have signs of FM. Until this morning. The FM looked textbook so I showered for work then we went to check my cervix again. Low, not as open, and suddenly the FM was gone. Nothing. So we closed up shop and got ready for work. Of course an hour into sitting here I started feeling my left side pinching - the usual sign that my egg is working on releasing.

*sigh* Did we miss it? Maybe. I'm so frustrated.

Back to Square One

Yep, CD1 today. DAMN IT.

Thinking in Threes

I had dinner with a new friend last night - the woman I talked about earlier. We met in person at the local queer baby group I have mentioned before, which I attended for the first time last week. She found out she was pregnant on 1/1 (happy new year!) and joined the group to meet some other queer folks on the baby train. I'm really excited for her and have grown to like her quite a bit. One thing she told me about has got me thinking more positively today:

She recommended having a baby alter, which I sort of already have. It's actually an alter for me and B, but we have lots of baby-related stuff on there (most of it, actually). Anyway she recommended putting things on the alter in threes. One for me, one for B, and one for bebe. I already had things in threes for the most part, but we were considering them as one for me, one for B, and one for us.

So last night we played some tarot cards, which we do fairly often. We shuffled them over some sage while thinking "what do we all need in the coming week/next stage, regardless of what happens?". Here's what we got:

Me: The Fool
This one is about courage and not being lead by fear. Totally appropriate since I've been terribly fearful about using a not-willing-to-be-known donor. I'm scared if we are pregnant, but more so afraid that we're not.

So - COURAGE. NO FEAR.

(interestingly, this fool is surrounded by umbilical cords)

B got this one: Death
This one is all about death and rebirth. Not letting old, unproductive or destructive patterns continue. Letting go. Totally appropriate, seeing as how lots of old stuff has been coming up for him in the last couple of weeks.

Bebe got this one: Dominion
The "tree of life," representing energy that initiates a current of force. The "the energy in gestation/preparation before action," "energy in its purest manifested form."

I also read, "taking control of the territory around the action. Making something one's own."

So hang tight, little buddy. Be strong and claim me as your own.


Sometimes it's hard not to believe that there's something to this, you know?

10 dpo and cute pictorial cards

I'm so sick of living my life in two-week segments of time. Two week wait, two weeks before we inseminate.

I'm tired and just want to be pregnant already. My life feels on hold and I feel a bit like a hostage of my own body functions (or lack thereof). I know this is common with everyone trying to get pregnant, but I'm feeling discouraged and a bit down about it all.

I bought these on Monday - I'm in love with them! I instantly pictured my baby's room. Now they're at home and I haven't even taken the plastic off of them to look inside. I kind of want to wait until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. Then they'll go into a hope chest of sorts - I'm not sure what that'll look like yet. Anyway it's the first thing I've bought for my future child. It makes me nervous, like I'm too hopeful, or setting myself up. I know B has some things stashed for our future children but we don't talk about it. Maybe we should. :-)