babytown

So. Yesterday was something! We got home around 3pm and sure enough our dewar was there. We brought it in, B and I took a shower, then we went to thaw what turns out to be a tiny sample of semen. I was expecting there to be a lot of it, and it to be kind of gross. But it was just fine. Slightly pink, actually, and such a small amount! As B started the IUI I prepared myself for some major pain, but I felt nothing. All in all it went very quickly and was much less eventful than I expected.

I'm reading "Buying Dad" and have to say I found this book just in time, right when I was having my freak out. It's been a great substitute for actually being able to talk to someone about her experiences, and I'm really grateful. Not to mention it's a great read. Anyway at one point she wrote about how some women just know, the moment they are pregnant they know it. I don't feel one bit of different, other than the reminder every once in a while that I just inseminated. But wouldn't it be amazing if it happened our first time?

So the reason this post has it's title is that everywhere I look there is a reminder that we're really doing this. Even yesterday, after we realized I was ovulating and that we were not going to get to inseminate in time, we walked down to have breakfast. There on the sidewalk was a pollen penis - that is, a penis made out of pollen.  Right away we turned a corner and a woman was walking with her tiny child strapped to her. Then on the way back from breakfast there was a guy with two babies - twins, I'm guessing - in their carseats sitting at the top of the stairs of what I'm guessing was their building. All this in a short time in a neighborhood that has very little to do with families, and more about young (or not so young) queer boys and girls hooking up and the latest greatest new club or bar.

Then today we went to babytown, aka the lake in our neighborhood that has a walking/running trail around it. It's a hugely popular place for folks to get their exercise - it's very pretty and very family friendly. So it wasn't surprising to see lots of parents with their kids, but it seemed like every other person was either pushing a baby in a stroller or was hugely pregnant. Babytown.

This next two weeks is going to last forever. I wish we could fast forward and know whether or not the insemination worked. Two weeks. *sigh*

whirlwind

-the dewar will be delivered on Monday.
-today is day 16, sunday. i normally ovulate on day 20 - 18th at the very earliest.
-i did my ovulation test (opk) this morning around 11am and it showed that I'm experiencing my LH surge. Day 16 - wtf??
-which means, the egg will be popped and gone by the time we get the sperm. we missed it. fuck.
-sad morning. totally bummed out and we haven't even inseminated yet. thinking this must be what it feels like to get your period after inseminating.
-off to c's office so he can call and cancel his appointments tomorrow. we don't know when this is going to show up and we want to thaw and insem as soon as it arrives. might as well-it's coming anyway.
-at c's office. i look up the fed-ex number and the tracking page says it WAS DELIVERED YESTERDAY. 4:15pm. how did we miss it? we went there to pick up our stuff to catsit around 11pm. it was there??
-off to rush home and inseminate. really hoping it's still there. holy shit holy shit.

my first freak out

B checked my cervix last night. This is not new - we've been doing it for months to check for ovulation. But last night was the first time we did it in anticipation of inseminating. I'm starting to freak out a bit, wishing I had someone to talk to directly about their experience with anonymous donors. It's actually getting me incredibly emotional so I think I'll take a break from writing.

a few days away!

We ordered the sperm! It'll be here on Monday. We'll inseminate a day or so later. Holy shit.

too much too soon

My sister has just had her third biological child - her sixth all together. Over the last couple of months she's been cleaning out her house and giving us bins of baby clothes. The first delivery was 2 bins of baby clothes and 2 bins of maternity clothes. B and I went through them and consolidated, just in time for the next delivery, which consisted of 4 bins and 2 bag of baby clothes, a bouncy seat, a floor play mat, and some pregnancy undergarments.

Just a reminder that I haven't even done my first insemination.

So while this was a very fun exercise, and we managed to get it back down to a total of four bins and the baby furniture, this seems a bit much. Not to mention the baby frog pic from my friend in the bathroom, a bigger than lifesize photo of B's face as a baby hanging in our bedroom, and a cute picture frame on the shelf at the foot of our bed, where baby pics that came with the frame stare at us every single day. (B likes it because it reminds him our our future, and that one day that frame will be filled with our own baby's pics)

I had to draw the line. It feels like setting ourselves up for potential misery. The bins are going to storage. The frame with the baby pics is gone until we can put our own baby pics in there, and I'm considering putting the pic of B as a baby away until we have a better place for it (we already have one of him at 3yo on our bedroom shelves, which I LOVE). Shouldn't that be enough? That, and the fact that practically all I think about is having our tiny baby in our family?

I've seen some other blogs mention this problem, and I'm glad I'm not alone. I started feeling bad that I was nervous having this stuff around. In due time, I will have a house full of these things - we already have toy bins for the nieces and nephews. That is plenty for now.

we're in! and looking for a big mama midwife

I received the email from the sperm bank - all of our paperwork is in and we are approved to make our first order! They suggest ordering no later than the first day of your period, which should be about four days from now (apr 2), give or take one day. Unfortunately I will be out of town for work, but I can certainly order while I'm away - finding a free moment (I'm attending/facilitating a training for 30 people & sharing a hotel room) will be the biggest challenge. Although B could do it, too - he'd probably love that. Since I have consistently had my peak day at CD20, we'll aim to have the sperm arrive on CD17 so we have some wiggle room.

About IUI: "These specimens are concentrated into a smaller volume than the ICI specimens, (0.5cc vs 1.0 cc) so that the doctor can place the entire volume into the uterus which will only hold 0.5cc. Each vial contains a minimum of 10 million motile sperm. These washed specimens are appropriate for either IUI through the doctor or for home vaginal inseminations."

A note about midwives: I really like my doctor so far. I actually met her through B - she's a colleague and former student of his. At first I thought it'd be weird - when I met her I saw her as more of a peer and friend-type, but I've gotten over it. Well it was my gyne exam that did it. I figure if I can talk to her about B and other common interests we have while her fingers are inside of me, we're good. And it was fine - almost pleasant.

However, I have always pictured a big mama, dykey person as my midwife. Someone strong who could be gentle, loving, but kind of butch in her care of me. Someone to cut through my bullshit in a kind and caring way. Anyway my doc is not that - she's more like me. And, she's pregnant - I believe due in July. So, B was talking to a new & wonderful friend of ours, and she said she had several people in mind. She called Friday to say she might have the perfect person. AND - there's a house for rent in the neighborhood we've been considering, being rented by some friends of hers. Honestly some friends have got to be angels in disguise.

day 20 stands strong

My LH surged yesterday - it was the only day that the stick had any sort of line on it, but it was a strong one. A few hours later when B came home we checked out my cervix - it had already started to point down but was still as open as the cervix's are in the textbooks.

So I think the trick is to inseminate on the 19th of my next cycle, to make sure the sperm is in there when my egg drops.