trans-partnered in lesbianville

It's 2pm on xmas eve and I've not done one thing to get ready for tomorrow. My list:

buy gift certificate for 18 yo niece

get cash for 15 yo niece 

make 3 cards for 11 yo niece, 8 yo niece, and 5 yo nephew

find plastic/wood vegetables or fruit for 2 yo nephew

Yet I've been sitting here, still in my pajamas, all day. I read for two hours when I woke up, never leaving the bedroom. Then came out to make lunch and have been on the computer since. 

Yesterday I received an email from a queer-baby-making listserv I'm on, and a woman had written in about how low she was feeling. She has at least a few more days until she finds out if she's pregnant or not (like me), had a low temp that day and was feeling really bummed that this probably wasn't her month. I felt for her so much - I emailed her back to reiterate a quote I'd read on a lesbian-baby blog that said "if this month isn't the one, take solace in the thought that it may only be 30 days until you find out you're pregnant." It's a beautiful sentiment that's helped me recently, so I sent it to her, introducing myself as someone who is on the same timing as her, and as frustrated.

She wrote me back today asking me for coffee. I would love to meet this woman, but immediately got nervous. All the woman I've seen post on the listserve have been women with women partners. No men and no trans presence at all. Although that's an assumption on my part - I don't really know that for sure. So I looked this woman up. She works with non-profits and spells womyn and loves the Michigan Woman's Festival. I immediately made an assumption that she'll be an anti-trans separatist, and started leaning toward telling her I couldn't meet. 

But here's this woman, having a hard time and feeling alone, in a similar position to me. I should talk to this woman. 

I find myself wanting to send her a "heads-up" email, letting her know to not be surprised when I say "he" when referring to my partner. Is this about me, and my insecurities with the queer community around trans folks? Is it necessary to be so wary? Or is this one of those times I need to assume the good in people? It's not like this town isn't a hub for transgender people...she must as least have exposure, right?

I realize I alienate myself because I assume we will not be accepted. It's certainly not the way I want to live my life - I need to be pull in my confidence around this relationship, my partnerand myself, and not be afraid to show people who we are. It's self-oppression. Something that I contribute to, and something I need to change. And will work on starting now.

My gift to myself: merry xmas eve.

11 or 13 dpo

I'm not actually sure when I ovulated. We inseminated on Dec 8th & 9th, but between my LH surge and my temperature I don't feel like I ovulated until Dec 12, so it'd really be something if I got pregnant with those odds...

I'm really tired today - I can't seem to fully wake up. I slept fine, no weird dreams (the first two times we inseminated I had crazy dreams, but I was traveling and sleeping in new places, too), so I'm not sure what's going on.

About 1pm I had a wave of nausea, but it went away quickly when I ate some food. Now I'm at work and I feel incredibly spaced out, like I didn't get any sleep. I'm almost dizzy even. I hope I'm not getting sick...

I did do a cheap test yesterday morning around 9am that was negative, although I woke up at 5am to pee, so maybe the hcg concentration wouldn't have been high enough after that if I was pregnant.

I went ahead today and made an appointment with the infertility doctor for Jan 5 - it'll either be to start the infertility testing or to confirm a positive pregnancy. I obviously am hoping for the second.

back on the baby wagon, take #3

And I'm back. Back in June we went to see a fairly harsh doctor who told me I probably wasn't ovulating, pre-PCOS, and should just stop trying for a while since we're paying for it. All things I heard and understood, but she was kind of brutal in her delivery. Anyway I was pretty upset about that doctors visit (and won't be going back to her), but also with my travel schedule so busy during the summer and fall months, we decided to wait until December. So here we are, in December, and we just used those two vials I mentioned in an earlier post - after that June doctor's visit we shipped it back before any melting of the ice occurred. We've paid storage on it for a while and have finally used it.

The inseminations went well. I still felt almost nothing during the IUI. I'm currently 12 dpo and have cramped fairly consistently since ovulation. I'm not sure if I have cysts or if this is implantation. I've read a bunch how it's fairly common for women to cramp all the way to week 12 of pregnancy, starting with ovulation. However this is only take #3, and as much as I want to believe I'm pregnant, I can't let myself go completely there. Not after the my emotional reaction of getting AF the first two times.

It's now the point in my cycle when everytime I go to the bathroom I brace myself for AF. So far, so good. I could start bleeding anytime between now and the day after xmas. I hope it's not on xmas - I'll be with my entire family (who doesn't know I've started this process back up) and it'll be hard not to say anything. But I won't - my mom in particular will be too sad.

It's been interesting getting back into this. I really put my prego thoughts on the back burner over the last six months, because everytime I did let those thoughts enter, I got so so emotional. I'm not sure why I have such grief, still, over those first two attempts. All I can do it hope it gets better, and hope we get pregnant soon. I need to keep reminding myself that this is only our third try.

I did see an ob/gyn last week, who referred me to a fertility specialist. That freaked me out, but I'm 36, using frozen sperm, and have had irregular periods my whole life. When it comes down to it I could use the help. 

moving on

We called for two units this month - we've done only one for the first two times with no luck. We found out today that our donor who had 14 vials last month now only has one left. I freaked out. Ultimately we have ordered a new guy - he's still Swedish and has other traits we are looking for - the main difference is that he's Italian. No problem there really but neither of us are so it'll take some getting used to.

Anyway it was a rough morning. We considered skipping a month so we could figure this out. Went to a bunch of different cryobank websites until we realized we just can't afford the major ones out there. So we landed on this new guy, without even ordering his full profile. I actually feel pretty good about it.

round 2

Sunday (yesterday) was the day we were waiting for - the day I could finally test hcg levels. We were both so nervous on Saturday night, we hardly slept. I finally saw the clock turned 4:30am so I went into the bathroom, peed in the cup, and there it was. A streak of blood. At first I convinced myself that it was too dark to be fresh - it must have been from the implantation. I had been cramping a bit in bed, and as much as I tried to convince myself it was implantation related, I knew the cramps felt different. I went to grab some underwear and a pad and just lost it. Heaving chest, non-stop tears. I had tried to prep myself for that moment, but I wasn't prepared for such a feeling of loss. Even today it's hard not to believe that it actually did take - it just didn't keep.

Over the last two weeks I looked up every little thing: my left side cramped - I concluded it was from the corpeus luteum making progesterone. My whole lower section had heat, I had hot/cold flashes, I was exhausted, my boobs hurt... how could I not be pregnant?

I realize I may not have been, but I really feel like something new was happening in my uterus - I felt things I had never felt.

B was good when I told him, although he didn't believe it at 4:30. We went back to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up I was definitely experiencing a full-on period. B lost it later in the day - the disappointment. I don't know why we both felt that it could possible happen so fast, but I think everyone must feel that way the first month.

The fact is that we are going to have a baby one way or another. I have to remember that it might be next month or it could be next year.

One thing that I know is that I'm different. Taking this next HUGE step in life has changed me - feeling yesterday's loss has changed me. I'm not sure how yet, but it feels like years have past since we were single people. We are a family now more than ever, and that's a very comforting thing.

babytown

So. Yesterday was something! We got home around 3pm and sure enough our dewar was there. We brought it in, B and I took a shower, then we went to thaw what turns out to be a tiny sample of semen. I was expecting there to be a lot of it, and it to be kind of gross. But it was just fine. Slightly pink, actually, and such a small amount! As B started the IUI I prepared myself for some major pain, but I felt nothing. All in all it went very quickly and was much less eventful than I expected.

I'm reading "Buying Dad" and have to say I found this book just in time, right when I was having my freak out. It's been a great substitute for actually being able to talk to someone about her experiences, and I'm really grateful. Not to mention it's a great read. Anyway at one point she wrote about how some women just know, the moment they are pregnant they know it. I don't feel one bit of different, other than the reminder every once in a while that I just inseminated. But wouldn't it be amazing if it happened our first time?

So the reason this post has it's title is that everywhere I look there is a reminder that we're really doing this. Even yesterday, after we realized I was ovulating and that we were not going to get to inseminate in time, we walked down to have breakfast. There on the sidewalk was a pollen penis - that is, a penis made out of pollen.  Right away we turned a corner and a woman was walking with her tiny child strapped to her. Then on the way back from breakfast there was a guy with two babies - twins, I'm guessing - in their carseats sitting at the top of the stairs of what I'm guessing was their building. All this in a short time in a neighborhood that has very little to do with families, and more about young (or not so young) queer boys and girls hooking up and the latest greatest new club or bar.

Then today we went to babytown, aka the lake in our neighborhood that has a walking/running trail around it. It's a hugely popular place for folks to get their exercise - it's very pretty and very family friendly. So it wasn't surprising to see lots of parents with their kids, but it seemed like every other person was either pushing a baby in a stroller or was hugely pregnant. Babytown.

This next two weeks is going to last forever. I wish we could fast forward and know whether or not the insemination worked. Two weeks. *sigh*

whirlwind

-the dewar will be delivered on Monday.
-today is day 16, sunday. i normally ovulate on day 20 - 18th at the very earliest.
-i did my ovulation test (opk) this morning around 11am and it showed that I'm experiencing my LH surge. Day 16 - wtf??
-which means, the egg will be popped and gone by the time we get the sperm. we missed it. fuck.
-sad morning. totally bummed out and we haven't even inseminated yet. thinking this must be what it feels like to get your period after inseminating.
-off to c's office so he can call and cancel his appointments tomorrow. we don't know when this is going to show up and we want to thaw and insem as soon as it arrives. might as well-it's coming anyway.
-at c's office. i look up the fed-ex number and the tracking page says it WAS DELIVERED YESTERDAY. 4:15pm. how did we miss it? we went there to pick up our stuff to catsit around 11pm. it was there??
-off to rush home and inseminate. really hoping it's still there. holy shit holy shit.