mind, body and spirit

As with last time, I'm making this much harder than it could be. I'm reading every blog, website, and message board, second guessing every feeling that might be a symptom. It's enough to send me to a rough place, so I'm trying to remind myself to not go too far and instead take care of my mind, body and spirit.

One of the benefits of the two week wait is that I'm feeling very creative. I've made four new Xmas stockings and a small wreath. I might make another wreath (out of old book pages) - its fun and the small ones go so quick!

Today: playing hooky, taking care of our sick baby (toddler), currently watching Ellen.

Tonight: make a good, healthy dinner, snuggle my child, and hopefully clean a small section of this house.

bébé numéro deux

Well we're back on the baby-making wagon! Over the last few months B and I have definitely both felt the urge more and more, but it was really only a month ago that we decided to go for it. We found a new donor (it took a long time for me to get over not being able to use our original donor - but all the supply is gone so its just not an option), which I'm actually really happy with.

I didn't think we'd start this soon - I figured my hormones were way too out of whack, I wanted to lose more weight, etc., but I went to the doctor after doing a blood draw and everything looked good!

So we bought 4 vials and decided only five days ago that we'd do it, thinking that today would be ovulation day. We inseminated last night! 

The thing is, I only had been taking my temperature for a week so I don't have my pattern this time around. I also insem'd at almost midnight after getting my first positive OPK that morning around 11am. Now I'm thinking that was too early, especially because I felt ovulation cramping today. So I feel like we should've waited until tonight or even tomorrow. This is why we should have ordered two vials. 

Oh well. Next month I'll make sure I have a full month of temps and possibly order two vials. That said my first baby resulted from one one insem so I don't want to drive myself too crazy with the details. I realize that each person is different as well as each cycle, and I just need to stay patient (while still tracking and monitoring it all).

The countdown to 14 DPO (Jan 4, '13)

12/20 (11:30pm) insem

12/21 Ovulation: (9pm) ovu cramping - lots, and sharp!
12/22 1dpo: no more cramping, still +OPK (~3pm), late night gum/roof of mouth sensitivity
12/23 2dpo: tiny pinching, nothing bad; very faint OPK ~noon
12/24 3dpo: low-grade, annoying Ovu cramps pretty much all day
12/25 4dpo: more of the same, super tired
12/26 5dpo: not feeling much until evening cramping, starting to definitely over think every twinge!
12/27 6dpo: so, so tired; mild cramping, either sick or pregnant
12/28 7dpo: feeling OK, not many symptoms, slight cramping, dark nipples??
12/29 8dpo super cramping in a.m., metallic mouth, dizzy & queasy. coming down with cold
12/31 10dpo not much since yesterday, definitely pull in uterus, one very dark nipple, slightly queasy but sick so who the heck knows? very emotional, starting to feel like I'm not pregnant (very few symptoms)
1/1/13 11dpo still very tired, but I'm sick sick sick. slight pull in uterus, HUGE appetite in late evening
1/5/13 15dpo no period but four negative pregnancy tests. I still feel pregnant (particular twitches) but maybe I'm just in denial. High temp this morning. Will test again on Monday if no period, but not hopeful.
1/12/13  22dpo and got a BFP last night!

No, really. I'm queer.

Today was Pride downtown, and we didn't go. We went last year and marched, with the babe in a carrier, sleeping most of the way. It was a lot of fun, actually, although we decided not to do it again this year. It seemed too much of a hassle to bus in with a toddler and a stroller (last year it was super packed without our stroller). We weren't sure of the weather, either, and didn't want to get stuck.

And so on.

Really, we just didn't make it happen. And I'm kind of sad about that. Every year I think about Pride and its origins - the parade itself makes it hard not to be conflicted. Are we here to celebrate those who risked their lives rioting in New York in 1969? To recognize those who paved the way for me to even exist in my relationship without fearing for my life everyday? I hope so. But sometimes it seems like it's all about getting drunk and watching the buff&beautiful dance on top of the Bud Light truck. So, why bother? Why not find another, more resistant way to recognize this momentus day?

Because it's important for me to be there, and for my family to be there. We are a queer, hetero-normative-looking couple living with our toddler in the suburbs. But this is our community, and we should be there celebrating the fact that we can live our lives the way we want - we should be marching and showing everyone who cares to notice that we are creating happy, healthy, and loving families. We are not lucky - those drag queens, gay men, lesbians and queers helped hand us what we have today. Next year, I will celebrate that publicly, alongside my friends and their families. I can't wait.

new baby, new house, new job, new town...

It's been a long time! Since I wrote last, we moved houses. We had our baby in that house. Then we moved again to...the suburbs.

Wait, what? Yep...that's right. I moved to the suburbs. I grew up in different suburbs and swore I would never ever live in the suburbs again.

But here I am, and I kind of love it.

I don't love the commute, or having friends in the south-end now that I'm in the north-end. We don't have our queer haunts around us, and we aren't surrounded by queers. BUT - I'm totally thrilled with the house we're in, and I'm near my family, we're much closer to the woods, and farms, and really...it's not that bad.

Maybe this was predictable to others, but I still have to smile every time I find myself appreciating and loving my new surroundings. It happens a lot.

(and no, that's not my kitchen, but it's the theme of our new rental house, which I love)
(oh and there are queers up here - with kids!)

7 months

7 months along! almost 28 weeks. I can't believe it. I am feeling the baby move and hiccup on a regular basis. I have heartburn and my lower back is starting to hurt. We have a crib in our house and are starting to get gifts from our registries. And we have 35 people coming to our shower so far.

I want to write so much more but as I think of things, I also realize that this may become a blog based on queer parenting than about my birth (although that will certainly be in here, too!).

In the meantime, I found an incredible blog: http://www.acceptingdad.com/. You should check it out.

13th week

I'm now in my 13th week. Getting closer to the safe zone! I'm tired, of course, but my symptoms are really not that bad, all in all. I'm starting to not get nauseous, which of course is a nice change.

My belly is definitely starting to pooch out - it's starting to get hard to hide. I'll probably tell my office mates next week. I just want to hear the heartbeat before I tell anyone else. It won't feel completely real until then, I think. Although I'm starting to think it'll never really seem real? I'm big, I'm starting to have to avoid lying on my belly, I feel growing pains all the time...yet I'm still a bit in disbelief.

Anyway time for bed. It feels way past my bedtime. :-)

9 weeks 5 days

It's hard to believe I'm only in my tenth week. I want to tell people! Besides my parents, sister and one friend, I haven't told anyone. I'm too nervous. I get close to saying something often but I always back out. I will see a ton of my friends all at once this Saturday and I'm really tempted to tell them. But honestly I'd feel better at 14 weeks.

I'm feeling OK. Amazingly tired and a bit queezy if I don't eat every hour. My moods have been OK, until today, actually, when this morning I was quoted as yelling, "I hate everything and everyone and I have no idea what to do about it!" I'm feeling a bit better now, but yikes.

Lots of big changes - the biggest of course is that we're having this baby! Other than that we're moving after being in the same place for the past 6 years. And work has hit it's busy season (which lasts through November). I'm trying not to get too stressed or anxious but as you see from the quote above, it's not always working.