Sunday (yesterday) was the day we were waiting for - the day I could finally test hcg levels. We were both so nervous on Saturday night, we hardly slept. I finally saw the clock turned 4:30am so I went into the bathroom, peed in the cup, and there it was. A streak of blood. At first I convinced myself that it was too dark to be fresh - it must have been from the implantation. I had been cramping a bit in bed, and as much as I tried to convince myself it was implantation related, I knew the cramps felt different. I went to grab some underwear and a pad and just lost it. Heaving chest, non-stop tears. I had tried to prep myself for that moment, but I wasn't prepared for such a feeling of loss. Even today it's hard not to believe that it actually did take - it just didn't keep.
Over the last two weeks I looked up every little thing: my left side cramped - I concluded it was from the corpeus luteum making progesterone. My whole lower section had heat, I had hot/cold flashes, I was exhausted, my boobs hurt... how could I not be pregnant?
I realize I may not have been, but I really feel like something new was happening in my uterus - I felt things I had never felt.
B was good when I told him, although he didn't believe it at 4:30. We went back to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up I was definitely experiencing a full-on period. B lost it later in the day - the disappointment. I don't know why we both felt that it could possible happen so fast, but I think everyone must feel that way the first month.
The fact is that we are going to have a baby one way or another. I have to remember that it might be next month or it could be next year.
One thing that I know is that I'm different. Taking this next HUGE step in life has changed me - feeling yesterday's loss has changed me. I'm not sure how yet, but it feels like years have past since we were single people. We are a family now more than ever, and that's a very comforting thing.
