trans-partnered in lesbianville

It's 2pm on xmas eve and I've not done one thing to get ready for tomorrow. My list:

buy gift certificate for 18 yo niece

get cash for 15 yo niece 

make 3 cards for 11 yo niece, 8 yo niece, and 5 yo nephew

find plastic/wood vegetables or fruit for 2 yo nephew

Yet I've been sitting here, still in my pajamas, all day. I read for two hours when I woke up, never leaving the bedroom. Then came out to make lunch and have been on the computer since. 

Yesterday I received an email from a queer-baby-making listserv I'm on, and a woman had written in about how low she was feeling. She has at least a few more days until she finds out if she's pregnant or not (like me), had a low temp that day and was feeling really bummed that this probably wasn't her month. I felt for her so much - I emailed her back to reiterate a quote I'd read on a lesbian-baby blog that said "if this month isn't the one, take solace in the thought that it may only be 30 days until you find out you're pregnant." It's a beautiful sentiment that's helped me recently, so I sent it to her, introducing myself as someone who is on the same timing as her, and as frustrated.

She wrote me back today asking me for coffee. I would love to meet this woman, but immediately got nervous. All the woman I've seen post on the listserve have been women with women partners. No men and no trans presence at all. Although that's an assumption on my part - I don't really know that for sure. So I looked this woman up. She works with non-profits and spells womyn and loves the Michigan Woman's Festival. I immediately made an assumption that she'll be an anti-trans separatist, and started leaning toward telling her I couldn't meet. 

But here's this woman, having a hard time and feeling alone, in a similar position to me. I should talk to this woman. 

I find myself wanting to send her a "heads-up" email, letting her know to not be surprised when I say "he" when referring to my partner. Is this about me, and my insecurities with the queer community around trans folks? Is it necessary to be so wary? Or is this one of those times I need to assume the good in people? It's not like this town isn't a hub for transgender people...she must as least have exposure, right?

I realize I alienate myself because I assume we will not be accepted. It's certainly not the way I want to live my life - I need to be pull in my confidence around this relationship, my partnerand myself, and not be afraid to show people who we are. It's self-oppression. Something that I contribute to, and something I need to change. And will work on starting now.

My gift to myself: merry xmas eve.

11 or 13 dpo

I'm not actually sure when I ovulated. We inseminated on Dec 8th & 9th, but between my LH surge and my temperature I don't feel like I ovulated until Dec 12, so it'd really be something if I got pregnant with those odds...

I'm really tired today - I can't seem to fully wake up. I slept fine, no weird dreams (the first two times we inseminated I had crazy dreams, but I was traveling and sleeping in new places, too), so I'm not sure what's going on.

About 1pm I had a wave of nausea, but it went away quickly when I ate some food. Now I'm at work and I feel incredibly spaced out, like I didn't get any sleep. I'm almost dizzy even. I hope I'm not getting sick...

I did do a cheap test yesterday morning around 9am that was negative, although I woke up at 5am to pee, so maybe the hcg concentration wouldn't have been high enough after that if I was pregnant.

I went ahead today and made an appointment with the infertility doctor for Jan 5 - it'll either be to start the infertility testing or to confirm a positive pregnancy. I obviously am hoping for the second.

back on the baby wagon, take #3

And I'm back. Back in June we went to see a fairly harsh doctor who told me I probably wasn't ovulating, pre-PCOS, and should just stop trying for a while since we're paying for it. All things I heard and understood, but she was kind of brutal in her delivery. Anyway I was pretty upset about that doctors visit (and won't be going back to her), but also with my travel schedule so busy during the summer and fall months, we decided to wait until December. So here we are, in December, and we just used those two vials I mentioned in an earlier post - after that June doctor's visit we shipped it back before any melting of the ice occurred. We've paid storage on it for a while and have finally used it.

The inseminations went well. I still felt almost nothing during the IUI. I'm currently 12 dpo and have cramped fairly consistently since ovulation. I'm not sure if I have cysts or if this is implantation. I've read a bunch how it's fairly common for women to cramp all the way to week 12 of pregnancy, starting with ovulation. However this is only take #3, and as much as I want to believe I'm pregnant, I can't let myself go completely there. Not after the my emotional reaction of getting AF the first two times.

It's now the point in my cycle when everytime I go to the bathroom I brace myself for AF. So far, so good. I could start bleeding anytime between now and the day after xmas. I hope it's not on xmas - I'll be with my entire family (who doesn't know I've started this process back up) and it'll be hard not to say anything. But I won't - my mom in particular will be too sad.

It's been interesting getting back into this. I really put my prego thoughts on the back burner over the last six months, because everytime I did let those thoughts enter, I got so so emotional. I'm not sure why I have such grief, still, over those first two attempts. All I can do it hope it gets better, and hope we get pregnant soon. I need to keep reminding myself that this is only our third try.

I did see an ob/gyn last week, who referred me to a fertility specialist. That freaked me out, but I'm 36, using frozen sperm, and have had irregular periods my whole life. When it comes down to it I could use the help.