trans-partnered in lesbianville

It's 2pm on xmas eve and I've not done one thing to get ready for tomorrow. My list:

buy gift certificate for 18 yo niece

get cash for 15 yo niece 

make 3 cards for 11 yo niece, 8 yo niece, and 5 yo nephew

find plastic/wood vegetables or fruit for 2 yo nephew

Yet I've been sitting here, still in my pajamas, all day. I read for two hours when I woke up, never leaving the bedroom. Then came out to make lunch and have been on the computer since. 

Yesterday I received an email from a queer-baby-making listserv I'm on, and a woman had written in about how low she was feeling. She has at least a few more days until she finds out if she's pregnant or not (like me), had a low temp that day and was feeling really bummed that this probably wasn't her month. I felt for her so much - I emailed her back to reiterate a quote I'd read on a lesbian-baby blog that said "if this month isn't the one, take solace in the thought that it may only be 30 days until you find out you're pregnant." It's a beautiful sentiment that's helped me recently, so I sent it to her, introducing myself as someone who is on the same timing as her, and as frustrated.

She wrote me back today asking me for coffee. I would love to meet this woman, but immediately got nervous. All the woman I've seen post on the listserve have been women with women partners. No men and no trans presence at all. Although that's an assumption on my part - I don't really know that for sure. So I looked this woman up. She works with non-profits and spells womyn and loves the Michigan Woman's Festival. I immediately made an assumption that she'll be an anti-trans separatist, and started leaning toward telling her I couldn't meet. 

But here's this woman, having a hard time and feeling alone, in a similar position to me. I should talk to this woman. 

I find myself wanting to send her a "heads-up" email, letting her know to not be surprised when I say "he" when referring to my partner. Is this about me, and my insecurities with the queer community around trans folks? Is it necessary to be so wary? Or is this one of those times I need to assume the good in people? It's not like this town isn't a hub for transgender people...she must as least have exposure, right?

I realize I alienate myself because I assume we will not be accepted. It's certainly not the way I want to live my life - I need to be pull in my confidence around this relationship, my partnerand myself, and not be afraid to show people who we are. It's self-oppression. Something that I contribute to, and something I need to change. And will work on starting now.

My gift to myself: merry xmas eve.

11 or 13 dpo

I'm not actually sure when I ovulated. We inseminated on Dec 8th & 9th, but between my LH surge and my temperature I don't feel like I ovulated until Dec 12, so it'd really be something if I got pregnant with those odds...

I'm really tired today - I can't seem to fully wake up. I slept fine, no weird dreams (the first two times we inseminated I had crazy dreams, but I was traveling and sleeping in new places, too), so I'm not sure what's going on.

About 1pm I had a wave of nausea, but it went away quickly when I ate some food. Now I'm at work and I feel incredibly spaced out, like I didn't get any sleep. I'm almost dizzy even. I hope I'm not getting sick...

I did do a cheap test yesterday morning around 9am that was negative, although I woke up at 5am to pee, so maybe the hcg concentration wouldn't have been high enough after that if I was pregnant.

I went ahead today and made an appointment with the infertility doctor for Jan 5 - it'll either be to start the infertility testing or to confirm a positive pregnancy. I obviously am hoping for the second.

back on the baby wagon, take #3

And I'm back. Back in June we went to see a fairly harsh doctor who told me I probably wasn't ovulating, pre-PCOS, and should just stop trying for a while since we're paying for it. All things I heard and understood, but she was kind of brutal in her delivery. Anyway I was pretty upset about that doctors visit (and won't be going back to her), but also with my travel schedule so busy during the summer and fall months, we decided to wait until December. So here we are, in December, and we just used those two vials I mentioned in an earlier post - after that June doctor's visit we shipped it back before any melting of the ice occurred. We've paid storage on it for a while and have finally used it.

The inseminations went well. I still felt almost nothing during the IUI. I'm currently 12 dpo and have cramped fairly consistently since ovulation. I'm not sure if I have cysts or if this is implantation. I've read a bunch how it's fairly common for women to cramp all the way to week 12 of pregnancy, starting with ovulation. However this is only take #3, and as much as I want to believe I'm pregnant, I can't let myself go completely there. Not after the my emotional reaction of getting AF the first two times.

It's now the point in my cycle when everytime I go to the bathroom I brace myself for AF. So far, so good. I could start bleeding anytime between now and the day after xmas. I hope it's not on xmas - I'll be with my entire family (who doesn't know I've started this process back up) and it'll be hard not to say anything. But I won't - my mom in particular will be too sad.

It's been interesting getting back into this. I really put my prego thoughts on the back burner over the last six months, because everytime I did let those thoughts enter, I got so so emotional. I'm not sure why I have such grief, still, over those first two attempts. All I can do it hope it gets better, and hope we get pregnant soon. I need to keep reminding myself that this is only our third try.

I did see an ob/gyn last week, who referred me to a fertility specialist. That freaked me out, but I'm 36, using frozen sperm, and have had irregular periods my whole life. When it comes down to it I could use the help. 

moving on

We called for two units this month - we've done only one for the first two times with no luck. We found out today that our donor who had 14 vials last month now only has one left. I freaked out. Ultimately we have ordered a new guy - he's still Swedish and has other traits we are looking for - the main difference is that he's Italian. No problem there really but neither of us are so it'll take some getting used to.

Anyway it was a rough morning. We considered skipping a month so we could figure this out. Went to a bunch of different cryobank websites until we realized we just can't afford the major ones out there. So we landed on this new guy, without even ordering his full profile. I actually feel pretty good about it.

round 2

Sunday (yesterday) was the day we were waiting for - the day I could finally test hcg levels. We were both so nervous on Saturday night, we hardly slept. I finally saw the clock turned 4:30am so I went into the bathroom, peed in the cup, and there it was. A streak of blood. At first I convinced myself that it was too dark to be fresh - it must have been from the implantation. I had been cramping a bit in bed, and as much as I tried to convince myself it was implantation related, I knew the cramps felt different. I went to grab some underwear and a pad and just lost it. Heaving chest, non-stop tears. I had tried to prep myself for that moment, but I wasn't prepared for such a feeling of loss. Even today it's hard not to believe that it actually did take - it just didn't keep.

Over the last two weeks I looked up every little thing: my left side cramped - I concluded it was from the corpeus luteum making progesterone. My whole lower section had heat, I had hot/cold flashes, I was exhausted, my boobs hurt... how could I not be pregnant?

I realize I may not have been, but I really feel like something new was happening in my uterus - I felt things I had never felt.

B was good when I told him, although he didn't believe it at 4:30. We went back to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up I was definitely experiencing a full-on period. B lost it later in the day - the disappointment. I don't know why we both felt that it could possible happen so fast, but I think everyone must feel that way the first month.

The fact is that we are going to have a baby one way or another. I have to remember that it might be next month or it could be next year.

One thing that I know is that I'm different. Taking this next HUGE step in life has changed me - feeling yesterday's loss has changed me. I'm not sure how yet, but it feels like years have past since we were single people. We are a family now more than ever, and that's a very comforting thing.

babytown

So. Yesterday was something! We got home around 3pm and sure enough our dewar was there. We brought it in, B and I took a shower, then we went to thaw what turns out to be a tiny sample of semen. I was expecting there to be a lot of it, and it to be kind of gross. But it was just fine. Slightly pink, actually, and such a small amount! As B started the IUI I prepared myself for some major pain, but I felt nothing. All in all it went very quickly and was much less eventful than I expected.

I'm reading "Buying Dad" and have to say I found this book just in time, right when I was having my freak out. It's been a great substitute for actually being able to talk to someone about her experiences, and I'm really grateful. Not to mention it's a great read. Anyway at one point she wrote about how some women just know, the moment they are pregnant they know it. I don't feel one bit of different, other than the reminder every once in a while that I just inseminated. But wouldn't it be amazing if it happened our first time?

So the reason this post has it's title is that everywhere I look there is a reminder that we're really doing this. Even yesterday, after we realized I was ovulating and that we were not going to get to inseminate in time, we walked down to have breakfast. There on the sidewalk was a pollen penis - that is, a penis made out of pollen.  Right away we turned a corner and a woman was walking with her tiny child strapped to her. Then on the way back from breakfast there was a guy with two babies - twins, I'm guessing - in their carseats sitting at the top of the stairs of what I'm guessing was their building. All this in a short time in a neighborhood that has very little to do with families, and more about young (or not so young) queer boys and girls hooking up and the latest greatest new club or bar.

Then today we went to babytown, aka the lake in our neighborhood that has a walking/running trail around it. It's a hugely popular place for folks to get their exercise - it's very pretty and very family friendly. So it wasn't surprising to see lots of parents with their kids, but it seemed like every other person was either pushing a baby in a stroller or was hugely pregnant. Babytown.

This next two weeks is going to last forever. I wish we could fast forward and know whether or not the insemination worked. Two weeks. *sigh*

whirlwind

-the dewar will be delivered on Monday.
-today is day 16, sunday. i normally ovulate on day 20 - 18th at the very earliest.
-i did my ovulation test (opk) this morning around 11am and it showed that I'm experiencing my LH surge. Day 16 - wtf??
-which means, the egg will be popped and gone by the time we get the sperm. we missed it. fuck.
-sad morning. totally bummed out and we haven't even inseminated yet. thinking this must be what it feels like to get your period after inseminating.
-off to c's office so he can call and cancel his appointments tomorrow. we don't know when this is going to show up and we want to thaw and insem as soon as it arrives. might as well-it's coming anyway.
-at c's office. i look up the fed-ex number and the tracking page says it WAS DELIVERED YESTERDAY. 4:15pm. how did we miss it? we went there to pick up our stuff to catsit around 11pm. it was there??
-off to rush home and inseminate. really hoping it's still there. holy shit holy shit.

my first freak out

B checked my cervix last night. This is not new - we've been doing it for months to check for ovulation. But last night was the first time we did it in anticipation of inseminating. I'm starting to freak out a bit, wishing I had someone to talk to directly about their experience with anonymous donors. It's actually getting me incredibly emotional so I think I'll take a break from writing.

a few days away!

We ordered the sperm! It'll be here on Monday. We'll inseminate a day or so later. Holy shit.

too much too soon

My sister has just had her third biological child - her sixth all together. Over the last couple of months she's been cleaning out her house and giving us bins of baby clothes. The first delivery was 2 bins of baby clothes and 2 bins of maternity clothes. B and I went through them and consolidated, just in time for the next delivery, which consisted of 4 bins and 2 bag of baby clothes, a bouncy seat, a floor play mat, and some pregnancy undergarments.

Just a reminder that I haven't even done my first insemination.

So while this was a very fun exercise, and we managed to get it back down to a total of four bins and the baby furniture, this seems a bit much. Not to mention the baby frog pic from my friend in the bathroom, a bigger than lifesize photo of B's face as a baby hanging in our bedroom, and a cute picture frame on the shelf at the foot of our bed, where baby pics that came with the frame stare at us every single day. (B likes it because it reminds him our our future, and that one day that frame will be filled with our own baby's pics)

I had to draw the line. It feels like setting ourselves up for potential misery. The bins are going to storage. The frame with the baby pics is gone until we can put our own baby pics in there, and I'm considering putting the pic of B as a baby away until we have a better place for it (we already have one of him at 3yo on our bedroom shelves, which I LOVE). Shouldn't that be enough? That, and the fact that practically all I think about is having our tiny baby in our family?

I've seen some other blogs mention this problem, and I'm glad I'm not alone. I started feeling bad that I was nervous having this stuff around. In due time, I will have a house full of these things - we already have toy bins for the nieces and nephews. That is plenty for now.

we're in! and looking for a big mama midwife

I received the email from the sperm bank - all of our paperwork is in and we are approved to make our first order! They suggest ordering no later than the first day of your period, which should be about four days from now (apr 2), give or take one day. Unfortunately I will be out of town for work, but I can certainly order while I'm away - finding a free moment (I'm attending/facilitating a training for 30 people & sharing a hotel room) will be the biggest challenge. Although B could do it, too - he'd probably love that. Since I have consistently had my peak day at CD20, we'll aim to have the sperm arrive on CD17 so we have some wiggle room.

About IUI: "These specimens are concentrated into a smaller volume than the ICI specimens, (0.5cc vs 1.0 cc) so that the doctor can place the entire volume into the uterus which will only hold 0.5cc. Each vial contains a minimum of 10 million motile sperm. These washed specimens are appropriate for either IUI through the doctor or for home vaginal inseminations."

A note about midwives: I really like my doctor so far. I actually met her through B - she's a colleague and former student of his. At first I thought it'd be weird - when I met her I saw her as more of a peer and friend-type, but I've gotten over it. Well it was my gyne exam that did it. I figure if I can talk to her about B and other common interests we have while her fingers are inside of me, we're good. And it was fine - almost pleasant.

However, I have always pictured a big mama, dykey person as my midwife. Someone strong who could be gentle, loving, but kind of butch in her care of me. Someone to cut through my bullshit in a kind and caring way. Anyway my doc is not that - she's more like me. And, she's pregnant - I believe due in July. So, B was talking to a new & wonderful friend of ours, and she said she had several people in mind. She called Friday to say she might have the perfect person. AND - there's a house for rent in the neighborhood we've been considering, being rented by some friends of hers. Honestly some friends have got to be angels in disguise.

day 20 stands strong

My LH surged yesterday - it was the only day that the stick had any sort of line on it, but it was a strong one. A few hours later when B came home we checked out my cervix - it had already started to point down but was still as open as the cervix's are in the textbooks.

So I think the trick is to inseminate on the 19th of my next cycle, to make sure the sperm is in there when my egg drops.

the beginning

Well it's not exactly the beginning. My partner and I have been talking about babies since we got together. We joke that we're lucky we can't just have sex and get pregnant, otherwise we'd have a litter by now. We are a queer couple - I am a biological female and he is a transgender (FTM) male.

We've thought over and over what we want to do - we went through all the debating of known versus unknown donor, but we only really had a couple of people in mind to ask. Long story short, none of our known donor options ended up working out. So over the last year we researched sperm banks, and we found the one we wanted. It's local and fairly inexpensive, at least comparatively. Over the last few months we researched their donors and found one we liked.

Save up money - check. Pick out a donor - check.

I've found myself a doctor, who is also a midwife, but I'm waiting until I get pregnant to decide whether or not she'll be MY midwife. So far so good...I like her a lot, and she's been a great doctor.

Pap, blood tests - check.

We registered with the sperm bank and are just waiting for our paperwork to go through.

I've been tracking my cycles for the past many months, and I've been very consistently ovulating on day 20. My whole life I had a crazy unpredictable and irregular period - this changed just over the past year, as I started tracking my cycles. I am so thankful that my body decided to synch up with my mind on this. As soon as I was emotionally ready to have a baby, my body started to cooperate.

So here is my blog. I hope it will be my personal space to track this journey and keep all my resources in one spot.