7 months

7 months along! almost 28 weeks. I can't believe it. I am feeling the baby move and hiccup on a regular basis. I have heartburn and my lower back is starting to hurt. We have a crib in our house and are starting to get gifts from our registries. And we have 35 people coming to our shower so far.

I want to write so much more but as I think of things, I also realize that this may become a blog based on queer parenting than about my birth (although that will certainly be in here, too!).

In the meantime, I found an incredible blog: http://www.acceptingdad.com/. You should check it out.

13th week

I'm now in my 13th week. Getting closer to the safe zone! I'm tired, of course, but my symptoms are really not that bad, all in all. I'm starting to not get nauseous, which of course is a nice change.

My belly is definitely starting to pooch out - it's starting to get hard to hide. I'll probably tell my office mates next week. I just want to hear the heartbeat before I tell anyone else. It won't feel completely real until then, I think. Although I'm starting to think it'll never really seem real? I'm big, I'm starting to have to avoid lying on my belly, I feel growing pains all the time...yet I'm still a bit in disbelief.

Anyway time for bed. It feels way past my bedtime. :-)

9 weeks 5 days

It's hard to believe I'm only in my tenth week. I want to tell people! Besides my parents, sister and one friend, I haven't told anyone. I'm too nervous. I get close to saying something often but I always back out. I will see a ton of my friends all at once this Saturday and I'm really tempted to tell them. But honestly I'd feel better at 14 weeks.

I'm feeling OK. Amazingly tired and a bit queezy if I don't eat every hour. My moods have been OK, until today, actually, when this morning I was quoted as yelling, "I hate everything and everyone and I have no idea what to do about it!" I'm feeling a bit better now, but yikes.

Lots of big changes - the biggest of course is that we're having this baby! Other than that we're moving after being in the same place for the past 6 years. And work has hit it's busy season (which lasts through November). I'm trying not to get too stressed or anxious but as you see from the quote above, it's not always working.

5 week, 1 day

It's real! I've done about 5 home tests and one blood test at the doctor's. Then I've had 3 tests for my hcg since. The numbers were 461, over 1700, then over 3600. So they're good!

I went to my first midwife consult yesterday - I have two more to interview before I make a decision. Although we'll probably go to the midwife we saw yesterday. She was great, and will be comfortable with B being trans. The thing is, I want a water birth and hopefully will have B in there with me when the big moment comes. I don't want to have midwives or students who can't handle a trans man's presence in the tub with me. Yesterday's midwife has a queer kid that we both know fairly well, so we know she's friendly. And her midwife partner is fairly new to the field but has been working with trans folks for the past few years.

It hasn't quite sunk in - I'm trying not to be too attached because I'm afraid the pregnancy won't stick. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant!

So far the only people who know are my sister, my acupuncturist and B's best friend who happens to share her office with my acupuncturist. I'm still debating on how to tell my parents. I tried the other night but it sort of felt like I was coming out all over again - I was so nervous.

Symptoms so far: I'm exhausted, my boobs are sore and huge, and I have intermittent cramping. Oh and constipation has become a bit of an issue. Fun stuff! But I'd rather feel something than nothing.

TLP; tiny little positive, tiny little person

Today is 14dpo - when I would expect to get my period. But yesterday I was too impatient and took a cheapo early pregnancy test and got a faint line! I did two tests, actually - both very faint. Then today, same thing. Two tests, two faint lines.

They say that even the faintest of lines means I'm most likely pregnant. It's starting to sink in, although I need to make an appointment at the doctor's to make it feel real. I hope it's real!!!

New Pains 9dpo

I'm 9dpo today. At least 9 days past insemination. For most of these 9 days my nipples have been very tender, some days more than others. I didn't feel this last cycle, although I did feel like the sides of my breasts were bruised, which I also feel now. I had a low-grade dull aching going on for most of the days until this morning. I pushed myself over to lie on my stomach as I was waking up, and I felt a sharp quick pain in the right side, near the ovary. No cramps during the day, then tonight I stood up and instantly got pangs on both sides, and I've had prickling and short pains for almost two hours now.

Implantation? Pretty please?

another ultrasound

I had an appointment at the fertility clinic today. She went over my 3 day ultrasound, blood test and my HSG. We talked charting and next steps, which looks like it's going to be a clomid/hcg cycle. I'm nervous about it and really hope I'm just pregnant, of course, so I can avoid the drugs altogether.

I did ask her about the ovary pain I've gotten each cycle after/during ovulation, and suddenly I was having another ultrasound so we could see if I ovulated or not, and which side. The doc went above and beyond, which was pretty great! Anyway I saw my ovaries and the corpeus luteum post-ovulation, which was really cool!

So, today is 3dpo (I think) and it seems WAY too soon to have any symptoms. I'm cramping like I always do during ovulation, but what surprises me is how sensitive my nipples are.

Trying to stay positive and hopeful...

2dpo (i think)

I'm not sure when I ovulated. Today's the first day there's no OPK line, and last night my cervix was low but still open. I'm getting very frustrated about not knowing enough about my cycles, when what happens. And I have yet to find one doctor who has looked at my charts in depth. Just a quick glance, and "yep, looks great!".

Anyway we inseminated Monday night. It's now Wednesday afternoon. Today's mantra, "Healthy cells are dividing and dividing and dividing."

obsessed

Ultrasound & HSG (CD16)

What a weird cycle so far. I got my period for only three days this month - normally it's five. Then I got my 3 day ultrasound to look at my ovaries, which was actually very cool! I could see the follicles in their various sizes and stages (the left photo is not mine, but gives you an idea). I had 16 in the left and 10 in the right, so good numbers.

Then last week I got an HSG - I was so nervous! I'm getting used to the sterile atmosphere of a hospital clinic - the room was cavernous, cold and daunting. The HSG was a bit uncomfortable, but it was short-lived and I got to see the dye running through my tubes out into my body. Turns out I have one curly Q tube, but the doc said that was normal. The dye went all the way through both tubes, so we're all clear!

I figured I'd have an early cycle, so I've been monitoring everything for a several days now. I had FM on day 8 or 10 (can't remember at the moment) which threw me off, but I kept tracking anyway. Temps have been stable in mid-range since the beginning of the cycle. My cervix is looking low and not quite open. We almost inseminated last night but decided against it - my OPK line was not quite dark enough yesterday, and I didn't have signs of FM. Until this morning. The FM looked textbook so I showered for work then we went to check my cervix again. Low, not as open, and suddenly the FM was gone. Nothing. So we closed up shop and got ready for work. Of course an hour into sitting here I started feeling my left side pinching - the usual sign that my egg is working on releasing.

*sigh* Did we miss it? Maybe. I'm so frustrated.

Back to Square One

Yep, CD1 today. DAMN IT.

Thinking in Threes

I had dinner with a new friend last night - the woman I talked about earlier. We met in person at the local queer baby group I have mentioned before, which I attended for the first time last week. She found out she was pregnant on 1/1 (happy new year!) and joined the group to meet some other queer folks on the baby train. I'm really excited for her and have grown to like her quite a bit. One thing she told me about has got me thinking more positively today:

She recommended having a baby alter, which I sort of already have. It's actually an alter for me and B, but we have lots of baby-related stuff on there (most of it, actually). Anyway she recommended putting things on the alter in threes. One for me, one for B, and one for bebe. I already had things in threes for the most part, but we were considering them as one for me, one for B, and one for us.

So last night we played some tarot cards, which we do fairly often. We shuffled them over some sage while thinking "what do we all need in the coming week/next stage, regardless of what happens?". Here's what we got:

Me: The Fool
This one is about courage and not being lead by fear. Totally appropriate since I've been terribly fearful about using a not-willing-to-be-known donor. I'm scared if we are pregnant, but more so afraid that we're not.

So - COURAGE. NO FEAR.

(interestingly, this fool is surrounded by umbilical cords)

B got this one: Death
This one is all about death and rebirth. Not letting old, unproductive or destructive patterns continue. Letting go. Totally appropriate, seeing as how lots of old stuff has been coming up for him in the last couple of weeks.

Bebe got this one: Dominion
The "tree of life," representing energy that initiates a current of force. The "the energy in gestation/preparation before action," "energy in its purest manifested form."

I also read, "taking control of the territory around the action. Making something one's own."

So hang tight, little buddy. Be strong and claim me as your own.


Sometimes it's hard not to believe that there's something to this, you know?

10 dpo and cute pictorial cards

I'm so sick of living my life in two-week segments of time. Two week wait, two weeks before we inseminate.

I'm tired and just want to be pregnant already. My life feels on hold and I feel a bit like a hostage of my own body functions (or lack thereof). I know this is common with everyone trying to get pregnant, but I'm feeling discouraged and a bit down about it all.

I bought these on Monday - I'm in love with them! I instantly pictured my baby's room. Now they're at home and I haven't even taken the plastic off of them to look inside. I kind of want to wait until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. Then they'll go into a hope chest of sorts - I'm not sure what that'll look like yet. Anyway it's the first thing I've bought for my future child. It makes me nervous, like I'm too hopeful, or setting myself up. I know B has some things stashed for our future children but we don't talk about it. Maybe we should. :-)

keeping track, this cycle

I realize I haven't been keeping track on here, so:

0 dpo, jan 10: insemination in a.m., one day after strong opk line
1 dpo: strong ov cramps, very tired
2 dpo: very strong ov cramps, woke me up at 3:30am, very tired
3 dpo: very mild cramps, slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
4 dpo: slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
5 dpo: dull aches in uterus area, pinchy at times very emotional & tired, wet cm, breasts sore
6-10 dpo: breasts are sore in a deep way, almost feels bruised from the side. woke up very stuffy 10dpo, had wet cm 6-8 dpo. still tired. very emotional 8-10 dpo. slight aches but hardly noticable.
11 dpo: breasts still sore, nose is a bit stuffy. My uterus feels hard - B put his hand on it last night to see if there was anything there energetically (he does cranio and is in tune with those sorts of things) and he said it was very busy. I have been feeling a bit of a tugging or heaviness there for a few days. Still tired today, even though I had a latte this morning. I lifted many boxes this morning and am a bit nervous - my uterus feels more active since then. Not sure if I can wait to test, but I want to wait until at least 14 dpo...
12 dpo: BFN. I couldn't wait. Heavy breasts, not much of any feeling in my uterus.

I might be tired because it's been gray and dreary outside, and I can't get myself to bed before midnight.

willing vs. not willing to be known donors (5 dpo)

I had a freak out yesterday. The donor we have chosen is anonymous, aka not willing to be known once the child(ren) turns 18. I realized that in my very first major decision for this child, I have already taken the choice away from him/her regarding whether or not they will be able to meet or know anything about the person who have provided half of their genes. I went online and found all sorts of angry now-adults who think having anonymous donors should be illegal. I keep thinking that I'm not being a good parent by taking that choice away. Frankly, the only reason we are going with our current sperm bank is because it is $300/vial vs. $600 vial, which seems to be standard everywhere else. The catch is that our sperm bank has little to no donors who are willing to be known.

I did find some great resources, like the donor sibling registry that made me feel a bit better about it. It does seem that there is a community of folks out there hoping to make connections with others who come from the same donor.

All in all this is just such a strange, surreal thing and my head is spinning with it all. It makes me want to revisit the idea of finding a known donor - I do have one person in mind, someone I've known for 15+ years, who will be a part of my children's lives regardless of whether he's the donor or not. If I do go that route, and he says yes, we'll have to go through with the testing and probably wait a few months, which will be hard.

I just want to have this figured out and be comfortable with it all. Plus I might be pregnant, which will make this worry a moot point.

TTC #4 and Feeling Good

Go, sperm, go!
(A little crampy today.)

We inseminated yesterday morning. Today is CD18. On CD16 I got a strong LH surge line on my OPK, but looking at my cycles in the past, there's about 5 days between a strong LH line and my temperature rise. Plus, since we're doing IUI, and doctors tend to do IUIs 24-48 hours after the LH surge, we decided to wait a day. By morning my cervix was low but still a bit open, and my fluids were pretty dry. But we did it anyway. About 12 hours later I noticed some fertile fluid so maybe the timing was OK? I feel good about it - I feel like I've learned a bunch about my particular cycles and feel that this was better timing than in the past. I guess we'll just wait and see.

I am feeling pretty positive, trying not to let my fear of not getting pregnant make me too anxious. Just in the last couple of weeks I've heard of several women who've found out they're pregnant. A friend of ours called saying she had a "strong vision" - one of me super prego in our house, and then one with B and I head-to-head looking at our baby. Then I saw my chiropractor who said he thinks it'll be very soon. Not sure what any of these folks are seeing or why, but I'm going with it and staying positive, being grateful for my pregnancy (whenever that happens) and looking forward to being a parent. In the meantime I'm enjoying my life at home with B and friends.