Back to Square One

Yep, CD1 today. DAMN IT.

Thinking in Threes

I had dinner with a new friend last night - the woman I talked about earlier. We met in person at the local queer baby group I have mentioned before, which I attended for the first time last week. She found out she was pregnant on 1/1 (happy new year!) and joined the group to meet some other queer folks on the baby train. I'm really excited for her and have grown to like her quite a bit. One thing she told me about has got me thinking more positively today:

She recommended having a baby alter, which I sort of already have. It's actually an alter for me and B, but we have lots of baby-related stuff on there (most of it, actually). Anyway she recommended putting things on the alter in threes. One for me, one for B, and one for bebe. I already had things in threes for the most part, but we were considering them as one for me, one for B, and one for us.

So last night we played some tarot cards, which we do fairly often. We shuffled them over some sage while thinking "what do we all need in the coming week/next stage, regardless of what happens?". Here's what we got:

Me: The Fool
This one is about courage and not being lead by fear. Totally appropriate since I've been terribly fearful about using a not-willing-to-be-known donor. I'm scared if we are pregnant, but more so afraid that we're not.

So - COURAGE. NO FEAR.

(interestingly, this fool is surrounded by umbilical cords)

B got this one: Death
This one is all about death and rebirth. Not letting old, unproductive or destructive patterns continue. Letting go. Totally appropriate, seeing as how lots of old stuff has been coming up for him in the last couple of weeks.

Bebe got this one: Dominion
The "tree of life," representing energy that initiates a current of force. The "the energy in gestation/preparation before action," "energy in its purest manifested form."

I also read, "taking control of the territory around the action. Making something one's own."

So hang tight, little buddy. Be strong and claim me as your own.


Sometimes it's hard not to believe that there's something to this, you know?

10 dpo and cute pictorial cards

I'm so sick of living my life in two-week segments of time. Two week wait, two weeks before we inseminate.

I'm tired and just want to be pregnant already. My life feels on hold and I feel a bit like a hostage of my own body functions (or lack thereof). I know this is common with everyone trying to get pregnant, but I'm feeling discouraged and a bit down about it all.

I bought these on Monday - I'm in love with them! I instantly pictured my baby's room. Now they're at home and I haven't even taken the plastic off of them to look inside. I kind of want to wait until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. Then they'll go into a hope chest of sorts - I'm not sure what that'll look like yet. Anyway it's the first thing I've bought for my future child. It makes me nervous, like I'm too hopeful, or setting myself up. I know B has some things stashed for our future children but we don't talk about it. Maybe we should. :-)

keeping track, this cycle

I realize I haven't been keeping track on here, so:

0 dpo, jan 10: insemination in a.m., one day after strong opk line
1 dpo: strong ov cramps, very tired
2 dpo: very strong ov cramps, woke me up at 3:30am, very tired
3 dpo: very mild cramps, slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
4 dpo: slight twinges, can't stop eating, very tired
5 dpo: dull aches in uterus area, pinchy at times very emotional & tired, wet cm, breasts sore
6-10 dpo: breasts are sore in a deep way, almost feels bruised from the side. woke up very stuffy 10dpo, had wet cm 6-8 dpo. still tired. very emotional 8-10 dpo. slight aches but hardly noticable.
11 dpo: breasts still sore, nose is a bit stuffy. My uterus feels hard - B put his hand on it last night to see if there was anything there energetically (he does cranio and is in tune with those sorts of things) and he said it was very busy. I have been feeling a bit of a tugging or heaviness there for a few days. Still tired today, even though I had a latte this morning. I lifted many boxes this morning and am a bit nervous - my uterus feels more active since then. Not sure if I can wait to test, but I want to wait until at least 14 dpo...
12 dpo: BFN. I couldn't wait. Heavy breasts, not much of any feeling in my uterus.

I might be tired because it's been gray and dreary outside, and I can't get myself to bed before midnight.

willing vs. not willing to be known donors (5 dpo)

I had a freak out yesterday. The donor we have chosen is anonymous, aka not willing to be known once the child(ren) turns 18. I realized that in my very first major decision for this child, I have already taken the choice away from him/her regarding whether or not they will be able to meet or know anything about the person who have provided half of their genes. I went online and found all sorts of angry now-adults who think having anonymous donors should be illegal. I keep thinking that I'm not being a good parent by taking that choice away. Frankly, the only reason we are going with our current sperm bank is because it is $300/vial vs. $600 vial, which seems to be standard everywhere else. The catch is that our sperm bank has little to no donors who are willing to be known.

I did find some great resources, like the donor sibling registry that made me feel a bit better about it. It does seem that there is a community of folks out there hoping to make connections with others who come from the same donor.

All in all this is just such a strange, surreal thing and my head is spinning with it all. It makes me want to revisit the idea of finding a known donor - I do have one person in mind, someone I've known for 15+ years, who will be a part of my children's lives regardless of whether he's the donor or not. If I do go that route, and he says yes, we'll have to go through with the testing and probably wait a few months, which will be hard.

I just want to have this figured out and be comfortable with it all. Plus I might be pregnant, which will make this worry a moot point.

TTC #4 and Feeling Good

Go, sperm, go!
(A little crampy today.)

We inseminated yesterday morning. Today is CD18. On CD16 I got a strong LH surge line on my OPK, but looking at my cycles in the past, there's about 5 days between a strong LH line and my temperature rise. Plus, since we're doing IUI, and doctors tend to do IUIs 24-48 hours after the LH surge, we decided to wait a day. By morning my cervix was low but still a bit open, and my fluids were pretty dry. But we did it anyway. About 12 hours later I noticed some fertile fluid so maybe the timing was OK? I feel good about it - I feel like I've learned a bunch about my particular cycles and feel that this was better timing than in the past. I guess we'll just wait and see.

I am feeling pretty positive, trying not to let my fear of not getting pregnant make me too anxious. Just in the last couple of weeks I've heard of several women who've found out they're pregnant. A friend of ours called saying she had a "strong vision" - one of me super prego in our house, and then one with B and I head-to-head looking at our baby. Then I saw my chiropractor who said he thinks it'll be very soon. Not sure what any of these folks are seeing or why, but I'm going with it and staying positive, being grateful for my pregnancy (whenever that happens) and looking forward to being a parent. In the meantime I'm enjoying my life at home with B and friends.