too much too soon

My sister has just had her third biological child - her sixth all together. Over the last couple of months she's been cleaning out her house and giving us bins of baby clothes. The first delivery was 2 bins of baby clothes and 2 bins of maternity clothes. B and I went through them and consolidated, just in time for the next delivery, which consisted of 4 bins and 2 bag of baby clothes, a bouncy seat, a floor play mat, and some pregnancy undergarments.

Just a reminder that I haven't even done my first insemination.

So while this was a very fun exercise, and we managed to get it back down to a total of four bins and the baby furniture, this seems a bit much. Not to mention the baby frog pic from my friend in the bathroom, a bigger than lifesize photo of B's face as a baby hanging in our bedroom, and a cute picture frame on the shelf at the foot of our bed, where baby pics that came with the frame stare at us every single day. (B likes it because it reminds him our our future, and that one day that frame will be filled with our own baby's pics)

I had to draw the line. It feels like setting ourselves up for potential misery. The bins are going to storage. The frame with the baby pics is gone until we can put our own baby pics in there, and I'm considering putting the pic of B as a baby away until we have a better place for it (we already have one of him at 3yo on our bedroom shelves, which I LOVE). Shouldn't that be enough? That, and the fact that practically all I think about is having our tiny baby in our family?

I've seen some other blogs mention this problem, and I'm glad I'm not alone. I started feeling bad that I was nervous having this stuff around. In due time, I will have a house full of these things - we already have toy bins for the nieces and nephews. That is plenty for now.

we're in! and looking for a big mama midwife

I received the email from the sperm bank - all of our paperwork is in and we are approved to make our first order! They suggest ordering no later than the first day of your period, which should be about four days from now (apr 2), give or take one day. Unfortunately I will be out of town for work, but I can certainly order while I'm away - finding a free moment (I'm attending/facilitating a training for 30 people & sharing a hotel room) will be the biggest challenge. Although B could do it, too - he'd probably love that. Since I have consistently had my peak day at CD20, we'll aim to have the sperm arrive on CD17 so we have some wiggle room.

About IUI: "These specimens are concentrated into a smaller volume than the ICI specimens, (0.5cc vs 1.0 cc) so that the doctor can place the entire volume into the uterus which will only hold 0.5cc. Each vial contains a minimum of 10 million motile sperm. These washed specimens are appropriate for either IUI through the doctor or for home vaginal inseminations."

A note about midwives: I really like my doctor so far. I actually met her through B - she's a colleague and former student of his. At first I thought it'd be weird - when I met her I saw her as more of a peer and friend-type, but I've gotten over it. Well it was my gyne exam that did it. I figure if I can talk to her about B and other common interests we have while her fingers are inside of me, we're good. And it was fine - almost pleasant.

However, I have always pictured a big mama, dykey person as my midwife. Someone strong who could be gentle, loving, but kind of butch in her care of me. Someone to cut through my bullshit in a kind and caring way. Anyway my doc is not that - she's more like me. And, she's pregnant - I believe due in July. So, B was talking to a new & wonderful friend of ours, and she said she had several people in mind. She called Friday to say she might have the perfect person. AND - there's a house for rent in the neighborhood we've been considering, being rented by some friends of hers. Honestly some friends have got to be angels in disguise.

day 20 stands strong

My LH surged yesterday - it was the only day that the stick had any sort of line on it, but it was a strong one. A few hours later when B came home we checked out my cervix - it had already started to point down but was still as open as the cervix's are in the textbooks.

So I think the trick is to inseminate on the 19th of my next cycle, to make sure the sperm is in there when my egg drops.

the beginning

Well it's not exactly the beginning. My partner and I have been talking about babies since we got together. We joke that we're lucky we can't just have sex and get pregnant, otherwise we'd have a litter by now. We are a queer couple - I am a biological female and he is a transgender (FTM) male.

We've thought over and over what we want to do - we went through all the debating of known versus unknown donor, but we only really had a couple of people in mind to ask. Long story short, none of our known donor options ended up working out. So over the last year we researched sperm banks, and we found the one we wanted. It's local and fairly inexpensive, at least comparatively. Over the last few months we researched their donors and found one we liked.

Save up money - check. Pick out a donor - check.

I've found myself a doctor, who is also a midwife, but I'm waiting until I get pregnant to decide whether or not she'll be MY midwife. So far so good...I like her a lot, and she's been a great doctor.

Pap, blood tests - check.

We registered with the sperm bank and are just waiting for our paperwork to go through.

I've been tracking my cycles for the past many months, and I've been very consistently ovulating on day 20. My whole life I had a crazy unpredictable and irregular period - this changed just over the past year, as I started tracking my cycles. I am so thankful that my body decided to synch up with my mind on this. As soon as I was emotionally ready to have a baby, my body started to cooperate.

So here is my blog. I hope it will be my personal space to track this journey and keep all my resources in one spot.