danger zones

I'm 8DPO today, or 7, depending on what chart you're reading. I'm trying not to be overly obsessed but of course that's all I can do. The last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is clean, purge, and organize. So today, I tackled the office. I moved a large desk, recycled a bunch, and tried to organize in a way that makes more sense (and that will encourage us to use the space more effectively). I supposed it's my way of getting control of something - anything, really, because I have no control over whether I'm pregnant or not.

The thing is, I shouldn't be moving heavy furniture, right? In fact when I did it, I got this horrible pinching down low, and it scared me to death. So now I'm convinced that I just jostled the implanted egg (that I don't actually know is implanted or not) and ruined the whole thing. Now it's something new to obsess about, and I've been looking up dangers of heavy lifting while ttc all night.

Day 8. I can't really test until day 12, and even that might be too early. Why can't I just sleep for the next few days and wake up when I can test?

Man oh man - this is ridiculous stuff.

mind, body and spirit

As with last time, I'm making this much harder than it could be. I'm reading every blog, website, and message board, second guessing every feeling that might be a symptom. It's enough to send me to a rough place, so I'm trying to remind myself to not go too far and instead take care of my mind, body and spirit.

One of the benefits of the two week wait is that I'm feeling very creative. I've made four new Xmas stockings and a small wreath. I might make another wreath (out of old book pages) - its fun and the small ones go so quick!

Today: playing hooky, taking care of our sick baby (toddler), currently watching Ellen.

Tonight: make a good, healthy dinner, snuggle my child, and hopefully clean a small section of this house.

bébé numéro deux

Well we're back on the baby-making wagon! Over the last few months B and I have definitely both felt the urge more and more, but it was really only a month ago that we decided to go for it. We found a new donor (it took a long time for me to get over not being able to use our original donor - but all the supply is gone so its just not an option), which I'm actually really happy with.

I didn't think we'd start this soon - I figured my hormones were way too out of whack, I wanted to lose more weight, etc., but I went to the doctor after doing a blood draw and everything looked good!

So we bought 4 vials and decided only five days ago that we'd do it, thinking that today would be ovulation day. We inseminated last night! 

The thing is, I only had been taking my temperature for a week so I don't have my pattern this time around. I also insem'd at almost midnight after getting my first positive OPK that morning around 11am. Now I'm thinking that was too early, especially because I felt ovulation cramping today. So I feel like we should've waited until tonight or even tomorrow. This is why we should have ordered two vials. 

Oh well. Next month I'll make sure I have a full month of temps and possibly order two vials. That said my first baby resulted from one one insem so I don't want to drive myself too crazy with the details. I realize that each person is different as well as each cycle, and I just need to stay patient (while still tracking and monitoring it all).

The countdown to 14 DPO (Jan 4, '13)

12/20 (11:30pm) insem

12/21 Ovulation: (9pm) ovu cramping - lots, and sharp!
12/22 1dpo: no more cramping, still +OPK (~3pm), late night gum/roof of mouth sensitivity
12/23 2dpo: tiny pinching, nothing bad; very faint OPK ~noon
12/24 3dpo: low-grade, annoying Ovu cramps pretty much all day
12/25 4dpo: more of the same, super tired
12/26 5dpo: not feeling much until evening cramping, starting to definitely over think every twinge!
12/27 6dpo: so, so tired; mild cramping, either sick or pregnant
12/28 7dpo: feeling OK, not many symptoms, slight cramping, dark nipples??
12/29 8dpo super cramping in a.m., metallic mouth, dizzy & queasy. coming down with cold
12/31 10dpo not much since yesterday, definitely pull in uterus, one very dark nipple, slightly queasy but sick so who the heck knows? very emotional, starting to feel like I'm not pregnant (very few symptoms)
1/1/13 11dpo still very tired, but I'm sick sick sick. slight pull in uterus, HUGE appetite in late evening
1/5/13 15dpo no period but four negative pregnancy tests. I still feel pregnant (particular twitches) but maybe I'm just in denial. High temp this morning. Will test again on Monday if no period, but not hopeful.
1/12/13  22dpo and got a BFP last night!

No, really. I'm queer.

Today was Pride downtown, and we didn't go. We went last year and marched, with the babe in a carrier, sleeping most of the way. It was a lot of fun, actually, although we decided not to do it again this year. It seemed too much of a hassle to bus in with a toddler and a stroller (last year it was super packed without our stroller). We weren't sure of the weather, either, and didn't want to get stuck.

And so on.

Really, we just didn't make it happen. And I'm kind of sad about that. Every year I think about Pride and its origins - the parade itself makes it hard not to be conflicted. Are we here to celebrate those who risked their lives rioting in New York in 1969? To recognize those who paved the way for me to even exist in my relationship without fearing for my life everyday? I hope so. But sometimes it seems like it's all about getting drunk and watching the buff&beautiful dance on top of the Bud Light truck. So, why bother? Why not find another, more resistant way to recognize this momentus day?

Because it's important for me to be there, and for my family to be there. We are a queer, hetero-normative-looking couple living with our toddler in the suburbs. But this is our community, and we should be there celebrating the fact that we can live our lives the way we want - we should be marching and showing everyone who cares to notice that we are creating happy, healthy, and loving families. We are not lucky - those drag queens, gay men, lesbians and queers helped hand us what we have today. Next year, I will celebrate that publicly, alongside my friends and their families. I can't wait.