We called for two units this month - we've done only one for the first two times with no luck. We found out today that our donor who had 14 vials last month now only has one left. I freaked out. Ultimately we have ordered a new guy - he's still Swedish and has other traits we are looking for - the main difference is that he's Italian. No problem there really but neither of us are so it'll take some getting used to.
Anyway it was a rough morning. We considered skipping a month so we could figure this out. Went to a bunch of different cryobank websites until we realized we just can't afford the major ones out there. So we landed on this new guy, without even ordering his full profile. I actually feel pretty good about it.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
round 2
Sunday (yesterday) was the day we were waiting for - the day I could finally test hcg levels. We were both so nervous on Saturday night, we hardly slept. I finally saw the clock turned 4:30am so I went into the bathroom, peed in the cup, and there it was. A streak of blood. At first I convinced myself that it was too dark to be fresh - it must have been from the implantation. I had been cramping a bit in bed, and as much as I tried to convince myself it was implantation related, I knew the cramps felt different. I went to grab some underwear and a pad and just lost it. Heaving chest, non-stop tears. I had tried to prep myself for that moment, but I wasn't prepared for such a feeling of loss. Even today it's hard not to believe that it actually did take - it just didn't keep.
Over the last two weeks I looked up every little thing: my left side cramped - I concluded it was from the corpeus luteum making progesterone. My whole lower section had heat, I had hot/cold flashes, I was exhausted, my boobs hurt... how could I not be pregnant?
I realize I may not have been, but I really feel like something new was happening in my uterus - I felt things I had never felt.
B was good when I told him, although he didn't believe it at 4:30. We went back to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up I was definitely experiencing a full-on period. B lost it later in the day - the disappointment. I don't know why we both felt that it could possible happen so fast, but I think everyone must feel that way the first month.
The fact is that we are going to have a baby one way or another. I have to remember that it might be next month or it could be next year.
One thing that I know is that I'm different. Taking this next HUGE step in life has changed me - feeling yesterday's loss has changed me. I'm not sure how yet, but it feels like years have past since we were single people. We are a family now more than ever, and that's a very comforting thing.
Over the last two weeks I looked up every little thing: my left side cramped - I concluded it was from the corpeus luteum making progesterone. My whole lower section had heat, I had hot/cold flashes, I was exhausted, my boobs hurt... how could I not be pregnant?
I realize I may not have been, but I really feel like something new was happening in my uterus - I felt things I had never felt.
B was good when I told him, although he didn't believe it at 4:30. We went back to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up I was definitely experiencing a full-on period. B lost it later in the day - the disappointment. I don't know why we both felt that it could possible happen so fast, but I think everyone must feel that way the first month.
The fact is that we are going to have a baby one way or another. I have to remember that it might be next month or it could be next year.
One thing that I know is that I'm different. Taking this next HUGE step in life has changed me - feeling yesterday's loss has changed me. I'm not sure how yet, but it feels like years have past since we were single people. We are a family now more than ever, and that's a very comforting thing.
Monday, April 20, 2009
babytown
So. Yesterday was something! We got home around 3pm and sure enough our dewar was there. We brought it in, B and I took a shower, then we went to thaw what turns out to be a tiny sample of semen. I was expecting there to be a lot of it, and it to be kind of gross. But it was just fine. Slightly pink, actually, and such a small amount! As B started the IUI I prepared myself for some major pain, but I felt nothing. All in all it went very quickly and was much less eventful than I expected.
I'm reading "Buying Dad" and have to say I found this book just in time, right when I was having my freak out. It's been a great substitute for actually being able to talk to someone about her experiences, and I'm really grateful. Not to mention it's a great read. Anyway at one point she wrote about how some women just know, the moment they are pregnant they know it. I don't feel one bit of different, other than the reminder every once in a while that I just inseminated. But wouldn't it be amazing if it happened our first time?
So the reason this post has it's title is that everywhere I look there is a reminder that we're really doing this. Even yesterday, after we realized I was ovulating and that we were not going to get to inseminate in time, we walked down to have breakfast. There on the sidewalk was a pollen penis - that is, a penis made out of pollen. Right away we turned a corner and a woman was walking with her tiny child strapped to her. Then on the way back from breakfast there was a guy with two babies - twins, I'm guessing - in their carseats sitting at the top of the stairs of what I'm guessing was their building. All this in a short time in a neighborhood that has very little to do with families, and more about young (or not so young) queer boys and girls hooking up and the latest greatest new club or bar.
Then today we went to babytown, aka the lake in our neighborhood that has a walking/running trail around it. It's a hugely popular place for folks to get their exercise - it's very pretty and very family friendly. So it wasn't surprising to see lots of parents with their kids, but it seemed like every other person was either pushing a baby in a stroller or was hugely pregnant. Babytown.
This next two weeks is going to last forever. I wish we could fast forward and know whether or not the insemination worked. Two weeks. *sigh*
I'm reading "Buying Dad" and have to say I found this book just in time, right when I was having my freak out. It's been a great substitute for actually being able to talk to someone about her experiences, and I'm really grateful. Not to mention it's a great read. Anyway at one point she wrote about how some women just know, the moment they are pregnant they know it. I don't feel one bit of different, other than the reminder every once in a while that I just inseminated. But wouldn't it be amazing if it happened our first time?
So the reason this post has it's title is that everywhere I look there is a reminder that we're really doing this. Even yesterday, after we realized I was ovulating and that we were not going to get to inseminate in time, we walked down to have breakfast. There on the sidewalk was a pollen penis - that is, a penis made out of pollen. Right away we turned a corner and a woman was walking with her tiny child strapped to her. Then on the way back from breakfast there was a guy with two babies - twins, I'm guessing - in their carseats sitting at the top of the stairs of what I'm guessing was their building. All this in a short time in a neighborhood that has very little to do with families, and more about young (or not so young) queer boys and girls hooking up and the latest greatest new club or bar.
Then today we went to babytown, aka the lake in our neighborhood that has a walking/running trail around it. It's a hugely popular place for folks to get their exercise - it's very pretty and very family friendly. So it wasn't surprising to see lots of parents with their kids, but it seemed like every other person was either pushing a baby in a stroller or was hugely pregnant. Babytown.
This next two weeks is going to last forever. I wish we could fast forward and know whether or not the insemination worked. Two weeks. *sigh*
Sunday, April 19, 2009
whirlwind
-the dewar will be delivered on Monday.
-today is day 16, sunday. i normally ovulate on day 20 - 18th at the very earliest.
-i did my ovulation test (opk) this morning around 11am and it showed that I'm experiencing my LH surge. Day 16 - wtf??
-which means, the egg will be popped and gone by the time we get the sperm. we missed it. fuck.
-sad morning. totally bummed out and we haven't even inseminated yet. thinking this must be what it feels like to get your period after inseminating.
-off to c's office so he can call and cancel his appointments tomorrow. we don't know when this is going to show up and we want to thaw and insem as soon as it arrives. might as well-it's coming anyway.
-at c's office. i look up the fed-ex number and the tracking page says it WAS DELIVERED YESTERDAY. 4:15pm. how did we miss it? we went there to pick up our stuff to catsit around 11pm. it was there??
-off to rush home and inseminate. really hoping it's still there. holy shit holy shit.
-today is day 16, sunday. i normally ovulate on day 20 - 18th at the very earliest.
-i did my ovulation test (opk) this morning around 11am and it showed that I'm experiencing my LH surge. Day 16 - wtf??
-which means, the egg will be popped and gone by the time we get the sperm. we missed it. fuck.
-sad morning. totally bummed out and we haven't even inseminated yet. thinking this must be what it feels like to get your period after inseminating.
-off to c's office so he can call and cancel his appointments tomorrow. we don't know when this is going to show up and we want to thaw and insem as soon as it arrives. might as well-it's coming anyway.
-at c's office. i look up the fed-ex number and the tracking page says it WAS DELIVERED YESTERDAY. 4:15pm. how did we miss it? we went there to pick up our stuff to catsit around 11pm. it was there??
-off to rush home and inseminate. really hoping it's still there. holy shit holy shit.
Friday, April 17, 2009
my first freak out
B checked my cervix last night. This is not new - we've been doing it for months to check for ovulation. But last night was the first time we did it in anticipation of inseminating. I'm starting to freak out a bit, wishing I had someone to talk to directly about their experience with anonymous donors. It's actually getting me incredibly emotional so I think I'll take a break from writing.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
a few days away!
We ordered the sperm! It'll be here on Monday. We'll inseminate a day or so later. Holy shit.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
too much too soon
My sister has just had her third biological child - her sixth all together. Over the last couple of months she's been cleaning out her house and giving us bins of baby clothes. The first delivery was 2 bins of baby clothes and 2 bins of maternity clothes. B and I went through them and consolidated, just in time for the next delivery, which consisted of 4 bins and 2 bag of baby clothes, a bouncy seat, a floor play mat, and some pregnancy undergarments.
Just a reminder that I haven't even done my first insemination.
So while this was a very fun exercise, and we managed to get it back down to a total of four bins and the baby furniture, this seems a bit much. Not to mention the baby frog pic from my friend in the bathroom, a bigger than lifesize photo of B's face as a baby hanging in our bedroom, and a cute picture frame on the shelf at the foot of our bed, where baby pics that came with the frame stare at us every single day. (B likes it because it reminds him our our future, and that one day that frame will be filled with our own baby's pics)
I had to draw the line. It feels like setting ourselves up for potential misery. The bins are going to storage. The frame with the baby pics is gone until we can put our own baby pics in there, and I'm considering putting the pic of B as a baby away until we have a better place for it (we already have one of him at 3yo on our bedroom shelves, which I LOVE). Shouldn't that be enough? That, and the fact that practically all I think about is having our tiny baby in our family?
I've seen some other blogs mention this problem, and I'm glad I'm not alone. I started feeling bad that I was nervous having this stuff around. In due time, I will have a house full of these things - we already have toy bins for the nieces and nephews. That is plenty for now.
Just a reminder that I haven't even done my first insemination.
So while this was a very fun exercise, and we managed to get it back down to a total of four bins and the baby furniture, this seems a bit much. Not to mention the baby frog pic from my friend in the bathroom, a bigger than lifesize photo of B's face as a baby hanging in our bedroom, and a cute picture frame on the shelf at the foot of our bed, where baby pics that came with the frame stare at us every single day. (B likes it because it reminds him our our future, and that one day that frame will be filled with our own baby's pics)
I had to draw the line. It feels like setting ourselves up for potential misery. The bins are going to storage. The frame with the baby pics is gone until we can put our own baby pics in there, and I'm considering putting the pic of B as a baby away until we have a better place for it (we already have one of him at 3yo on our bedroom shelves, which I LOVE). Shouldn't that be enough? That, and the fact that practically all I think about is having our tiny baby in our family?
I've seen some other blogs mention this problem, and I'm glad I'm not alone. I started feeling bad that I was nervous having this stuff around. In due time, I will have a house full of these things - we already have toy bins for the nieces and nephews. That is plenty for now.
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