Two and a half months later, and what a couple of months it has been. My miscarriage was actually an ectopic pregnancy, which put me in the emergency room for 9 hours before we had it figured out. It didn't burst and I didn't need surgery - that was the bright side. "It could have been worse" has been a motto of sorts since January.
The day after my ER visit, my brother arrived from Chicago. He came out, dropping his wife and kids in Kentucky on the way, to start a new life here. We offered our place as a transition-point while he found a job and a place to live. He did both, and is moving out in 3 days. His family will meet him here in a week. I've never spent a ton of time with him as adults, and this time has been trying and a test of patience to say the least. But it could have been worse.
Last week I took a staycation, and scheduled myself with appointments & yoga so I wouldn't be too tempted to stick around the house (and get sucked in to all the distractions). I wanted to take care of myself and try to heal both physically and mentally. One of my appointments was with an acutonics practitioner. After the treatment she told me that she had been wanting to see me since she heard about my ectopic. She had had a dream and wanted to tell me that although the ectopic was awful for us, we actually were quite lucky that we did not have that child. That the sperm is bad, and we shouldn't use it anymore. I was so fascinated and truly respect this doctor, and even if I didn't buy into it all, how can I ignore someone telling me that the sperm we have chosen essentially has a curse on it? (OK that was my interpretation - we actually have no idea what she meant when she told us it was "bad sperm" and that we shouldn't use it, and we discussed tonight how we're probably better not knowing).
I've been working on a lot of my past shit, trying to "go deep" so I stop repeating unhealthy patterns in my life. One of the things I signed up for was a bi-weekly women's group. We meet and meditate, draw, have "sound baths" with gongs, etc. With all of this personal work, I've started to have some clarity on some things. Namely, what to do about the sperm. I realized that I don't want to switch donors, and I don't want to use the one we have. When it comes down to it, I want a kid that's 100% biologically linked with our toddler. And if that doesn't happen, we will adopt.
A quick backstory: When we got pregnant with our now toddler, we called the bank and all of the vials of our donor had been bought up. We were devastated. I tried twice to find people who had vials stored from this donor, but none were willing to give it up. I'm 39, we felt we needed to let it go, so we chose this other donor. That brings us to today.
I decided to reach out on a forum today to find out if anyone had reconsidered. Within a couple of hours I got an email from a woman who is willing to give up some vials "once we have a healthy baby." They'll be trying this summer, and if all goes well they'll have their kid next Spring. Which means at that time we could get some vials. I can hardly believe it!
I'm nervous. It's not guaranteed that we'll get any, or that I'll have any eggs left by then. But it's some hope.
So back to my acutonics practioner. She's a Korean Buddhist Naturopath, and her parents in Korea go to the monks once a month to ask for guidance. Recently her mom went and asked about me and my husband (who's a colleague of hers).
They told her that this year is not a good year for a baby, and neither is next year.
This year's a good year to move.
It's a good year to buy a house.
I'm having family issues and will for the next 5 years.
That there will be a baby girl in our future.
I kind of love it (all but the family issues). I won't hold my breath but I will certainly hold onto some hope!
No comments:
Post a Comment