miscarriage confirmed

Well, it's (mostly) official. I'm having a miscarriage. The last two weeks have been brutal. Not even because I was miscarrying, but because we didn't know for sure that's what was going on. My hcg numbers 480, 440, then 660, then 650, then 900, then today, 461. So finally it's going down, but the whole time the numbers were staying stable or going up, we had no clue as to what was happening. Blighted ovum? Miscarriage? Ectopic? Or a pregnancy that was located somewhere else? (really, that was a thought by one of the doctors)

When the numbers hit 900 two days ago, we let ourselves get hopeful. Then that night, I cramped badly and started bleeding again, and it hasn't stopped. So I wasn't surprised by the numbers today, but I was still very sad to have it confirmed.

The good news is that we now have some answers, and hopefully will be able to try again in March. In the meantime I'll be working on some self-care, starting with this weekend, when we'll be heading to a nearby island for some R&R. Can't wait.

hcg & progesterone

After my post yesterday I continued to cramp pretty badly, and it continued all day. I bled throughout the day as well - mostly dark, none was bright red, but it was still very scary. I finally called my midwife at 9pm and she said while it could be an "ominous" sign, it wasn't definitive. So today I went and got my beta - my hcg is 447 (not bad) but progesterone is only 4.26 (horrible!). So today I start on progesterone supplements.

I'm just so mad because when I did my CD3 blood work my progesterone "looked good." I told my midwife at the time that I had to supplement last time and wondered if I should do it again, and she sort of waved it off and said something like, "do it if you want."

Now here we are and my levels are dangerously low. This particular midwife is revered in this community as THE BEST, so how could she have missed this?

At any rate, I'm feeling better today. I bit of spotting when I wipe but no real cramping, and I'm still queasy and bone-tired. I just want to run home and take my first progesterone supplement. It's so hard just to sit here while I know my levels are so low.

What a ride.

5 weeks, 3 days

I'm a wreck today. Around 11am I had some pretty horrible cramps, then about an hour ago I had some spotting. I'm exhausted, but didn't have coffee for the first time so who knows the real reason for the fatigue.

I also talked to my dad. My mom told him yesterday, and instead of saying congrats or anything positive, he reminded me how much could still go wrong. Oh right - this is why I didn't tell anyone the first go around.

I'll try to go take a nap, or at least read a bit. Trying to stay positive...

It's a BFP!

I can't even believe it. I bled what I thought was a light period this week (spotting at first but then bright red for 2-3 days before it was gone), but I kept feeling symptoms. I was so mad about feeling queasy and pinchy - I figured the queasiness was from being sick but I was starting to get worried about all of the pinchy feelings I was having in my ovaries and uterus. Then yesterday, at work, I was having breast soreness, a weird taste in my mouth, and was incredibly dizzy. I did some research and found out that bleeding is sometimes normal, so when I got home I decided to take one last pregnancy test. I couldn't believe my eyes, but there was no doubt a positive!!

My bbt was down yesterday, so between that and the bleeding, I'm trying not to get too excited. But man, that's hard. I want to scream it out loud to everyone! I'm pregnant!

It's Saturday and I'm at work all day, so I have to wait until Monday to take a blood pregnancy test. It can not come soon enough.

We joked that with our first child I got a tlp (tiny little positive), but I can honestly say this is a true BFP. I'm so grateful and happy, but cautious.

danger zones

I'm 8DPO today, or 7, depending on what chart you're reading. I'm trying not to be overly obsessed but of course that's all I can do. The last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is clean, purge, and organize. So today, I tackled the office. I moved a large desk, recycled a bunch, and tried to organize in a way that makes more sense (and that will encourage us to use the space more effectively). I supposed it's my way of getting control of something - anything, really, because I have no control over whether I'm pregnant or not.

The thing is, I shouldn't be moving heavy furniture, right? In fact when I did it, I got this horrible pinching down low, and it scared me to death. So now I'm convinced that I just jostled the implanted egg (that I don't actually know is implanted or not) and ruined the whole thing. Now it's something new to obsess about, and I've been looking up dangers of heavy lifting while ttc all night.

Day 8. I can't really test until day 12, and even that might be too early. Why can't I just sleep for the next few days and wake up when I can test?

Man oh man - this is ridiculous stuff.

mind, body and spirit

As with last time, I'm making this much harder than it could be. I'm reading every blog, website, and message board, second guessing every feeling that might be a symptom. It's enough to send me to a rough place, so I'm trying to remind myself to not go too far and instead take care of my mind, body and spirit.

One of the benefits of the two week wait is that I'm feeling very creative. I've made four new Xmas stockings and a small wreath. I might make another wreath (out of old book pages) - its fun and the small ones go so quick!

Today: playing hooky, taking care of our sick baby (toddler), currently watching Ellen.

Tonight: make a good, healthy dinner, snuggle my child, and hopefully clean a small section of this house.

bébé numéro deux

Well we're back on the baby-making wagon! Over the last few months B and I have definitely both felt the urge more and more, but it was really only a month ago that we decided to go for it. We found a new donor (it took a long time for me to get over not being able to use our original donor - but all the supply is gone so its just not an option), which I'm actually really happy with.

I didn't think we'd start this soon - I figured my hormones were way too out of whack, I wanted to lose more weight, etc., but I went to the doctor after doing a blood draw and everything looked good!

So we bought 4 vials and decided only five days ago that we'd do it, thinking that today would be ovulation day. We inseminated last night! 

The thing is, I only had been taking my temperature for a week so I don't have my pattern this time around. I also insem'd at almost midnight after getting my first positive OPK that morning around 11am. Now I'm thinking that was too early, especially because I felt ovulation cramping today. So I feel like we should've waited until tonight or even tomorrow. This is why we should have ordered two vials. 

Oh well. Next month I'll make sure I have a full month of temps and possibly order two vials. That said my first baby resulted from one one insem so I don't want to drive myself too crazy with the details. I realize that each person is different as well as each cycle, and I just need to stay patient (while still tracking and monitoring it all).

The countdown to 14 DPO (Jan 4, '13)

12/20 (11:30pm) insem

12/21 Ovulation: (9pm) ovu cramping - lots, and sharp!
12/22 1dpo: no more cramping, still +OPK (~3pm), late night gum/roof of mouth sensitivity
12/23 2dpo: tiny pinching, nothing bad; very faint OPK ~noon
12/24 3dpo: low-grade, annoying Ovu cramps pretty much all day
12/25 4dpo: more of the same, super tired
12/26 5dpo: not feeling much until evening cramping, starting to definitely over think every twinge!
12/27 6dpo: so, so tired; mild cramping, either sick or pregnant
12/28 7dpo: feeling OK, not many symptoms, slight cramping, dark nipples??
12/29 8dpo super cramping in a.m., metallic mouth, dizzy & queasy. coming down with cold
12/31 10dpo not much since yesterday, definitely pull in uterus, one very dark nipple, slightly queasy but sick so who the heck knows? very emotional, starting to feel like I'm not pregnant (very few symptoms)
1/1/13 11dpo still very tired, but I'm sick sick sick. slight pull in uterus, HUGE appetite in late evening
1/5/13 15dpo no period but four negative pregnancy tests. I still feel pregnant (particular twitches) but maybe I'm just in denial. High temp this morning. Will test again on Monday if no period, but not hopeful.
1/12/13  22dpo and got a BFP last night!