House, Health, and Happiness

Where to start? It's kind of amazing to look back at my last post. Since then, we have bought our first house, and I am currently waiting to hear from the woman I mentioned below, to see if she's pregnant (she would have just found out this past week). I'm freaking out.

Three of my friends/colleagues have had babies this past month - over a 3-week period, in fact. I haven't met any of them yet, but it's gotten me thinking hard about what we're doing here. We want another child, and could simply pick another donor. I went to the website today and saw several options. But when I even considered going back there, using new sperm, I practically had a panic attack. There's no way I could do it before becoming completely confident in our decision. I'm not sure I could get there, so where does that leave us now?

I turned 40 in July. I don't have much more time. It's agonizing, trying to figure out what to do.

That said. I have had some health stuff come up, especially in the last 6 months, and it would be a bad time to become pregnant right now. I know I need to work on becoming healthy again before working on carrying a child. But I need it to move quickly, which is typically not how it works.

On the upside, as mentioned, we bought a house! In another suburb not far at all from our last rental. It's a super cute ranch-style cottage, kind of small (whoa have we downsized our stuff, and still have a ways to go), with amazing yard space that I can't wait to landscape. It. Feels. Good. Although stressful because of the lack of storage (although we're remedying that this week by converting our carport into a storage/work space), I'm ultimately so happy it's ours. Even if we move in 5-10 years, this house fits us and I'm thrilled. It's also in a cute, seaside town, and only a quick train ride to the city.

Well I just got a text inviting us to visit one of the new babies, so off I go! This one is part of our chosen family - I can't wait to meet him.

our ectopic, the monks & major life decisions

Two and a half months later, and what a couple of months it has been. My miscarriage was actually an ectopic pregnancy, which put me in the emergency room for 9 hours before we had it figured out. It didn't burst and I didn't need surgery - that was the bright side. "It could have been worse" has been a motto of sorts since January.

The day after my ER visit, my brother arrived from Chicago. He came out, dropping his wife and kids in Kentucky on the way, to start a new life here. We offered our place as a transition-point while he found a job and a place to live. He did both, and is moving out in 3 days. His family will meet him here in a week. I've never spent a ton of time with him as adults, and this time has been trying and a test of patience to say the least. But it could have been worse.

Last week I took a staycation, and scheduled myself with appointments & yoga so I wouldn't be too tempted to stick around the house (and get sucked in to all the distractions). I wanted to take care of myself and try to heal both physically and mentally. One of my appointments was with an acutonics practitioner. After the treatment she told me that she had been wanting to see me since she heard about my ectopic. She had had a dream and wanted to tell me that although the ectopic was awful for us, we actually were quite lucky that we did not have that child. That the sperm is bad, and we shouldn't use it anymore. I was so fascinated and truly respect this doctor, and even if I didn't buy into it all, how can I ignore someone telling me that the sperm we have chosen essentially has a curse on it? (OK that was my interpretation - we actually have no idea what she meant when she told us it was "bad sperm" and that we shouldn't use it, and we discussed tonight how we're probably better not knowing).

I've been working on a lot of my past shit, trying to "go deep" so I stop repeating unhealthy patterns in my life. One of the things I signed up for was a bi-weekly women's group. We meet and meditate, draw, have "sound baths" with gongs, etc. With all of this personal work, I've started to have some clarity on some things. Namely, what to do about the sperm. I realized that I don't want to switch donors, and I don't want to use the one we have. When it comes down to it, I want a kid that's 100% biologically linked with our toddler. And if that doesn't happen, we will adopt.

A quick backstory: When we got pregnant with our now toddler, we called the bank and all of the vials of our donor had been bought up. We were devastated. I tried twice to find people who had vials stored from this donor, but none were willing to give it up. I'm 39, we felt we needed to let it go, so we chose this other donor. That brings us to today.

I decided to reach out on a forum today to find out if anyone had reconsidered. Within a couple of hours I got an email from a woman who is willing to give up some vials "once we have a healthy baby." They'll be trying this summer, and if all goes well they'll have their kid next Spring. Which means at that time we could get some vials. I can hardly believe it!

I'm nervous. It's not guaranteed that we'll get any, or that I'll have any eggs left by then. But it's some hope.

So back to my acutonics practioner. She's a Korean Buddhist Naturopath, and her parents in Korea go to the monks once a month to ask for guidance. Recently her mom went and asked about me and my husband (who's a colleague of hers).

They told her that this year is not a good year for a baby, and neither is next year.
This year's a good year to move.
It's a good year to buy a house.
I'm having family issues and will for the next 5 years.
That there will be a baby girl in our future.

I kind of love it (all but the family issues). I won't hold my breath but I will certainly hold onto some hope!

miscarriage confirmed

Well, it's (mostly) official. I'm having a miscarriage. The last two weeks have been brutal. Not even because I was miscarrying, but because we didn't know for sure that's what was going on. My hcg numbers 480, 440, then 660, then 650, then 900, then today, 461. So finally it's going down, but the whole time the numbers were staying stable or going up, we had no clue as to what was happening. Blighted ovum? Miscarriage? Ectopic? Or a pregnancy that was located somewhere else? (really, that was a thought by one of the doctors)

When the numbers hit 900 two days ago, we let ourselves get hopeful. Then that night, I cramped badly and started bleeding again, and it hasn't stopped. So I wasn't surprised by the numbers today, but I was still very sad to have it confirmed.

The good news is that we now have some answers, and hopefully will be able to try again in March. In the meantime I'll be working on some self-care, starting with this weekend, when we'll be heading to a nearby island for some R&R. Can't wait.

hcg & progesterone

After my post yesterday I continued to cramp pretty badly, and it continued all day. I bled throughout the day as well - mostly dark, none was bright red, but it was still very scary. I finally called my midwife at 9pm and she said while it could be an "ominous" sign, it wasn't definitive. So today I went and got my beta - my hcg is 447 (not bad) but progesterone is only 4.26 (horrible!). So today I start on progesterone supplements.

I'm just so mad because when I did my CD3 blood work my progesterone "looked good." I told my midwife at the time that I had to supplement last time and wondered if I should do it again, and she sort of waved it off and said something like, "do it if you want."

Now here we are and my levels are dangerously low. This particular midwife is revered in this community as THE BEST, so how could she have missed this?

At any rate, I'm feeling better today. I bit of spotting when I wipe but no real cramping, and I'm still queasy and bone-tired. I just want to run home and take my first progesterone supplement. It's so hard just to sit here while I know my levels are so low.

What a ride.

5 weeks, 3 days

I'm a wreck today. Around 11am I had some pretty horrible cramps, then about an hour ago I had some spotting. I'm exhausted, but didn't have coffee for the first time so who knows the real reason for the fatigue.

I also talked to my dad. My mom told him yesterday, and instead of saying congrats or anything positive, he reminded me how much could still go wrong. Oh right - this is why I didn't tell anyone the first go around.

I'll try to go take a nap, or at least read a bit. Trying to stay positive...

It's a BFP!

I can't even believe it. I bled what I thought was a light period this week (spotting at first but then bright red for 2-3 days before it was gone), but I kept feeling symptoms. I was so mad about feeling queasy and pinchy - I figured the queasiness was from being sick but I was starting to get worried about all of the pinchy feelings I was having in my ovaries and uterus. Then yesterday, at work, I was having breast soreness, a weird taste in my mouth, and was incredibly dizzy. I did some research and found out that bleeding is sometimes normal, so when I got home I decided to take one last pregnancy test. I couldn't believe my eyes, but there was no doubt a positive!!

My bbt was down yesterday, so between that and the bleeding, I'm trying not to get too excited. But man, that's hard. I want to scream it out loud to everyone! I'm pregnant!

It's Saturday and I'm at work all day, so I have to wait until Monday to take a blood pregnancy test. It can not come soon enough.

We joked that with our first child I got a tlp (tiny little positive), but I can honestly say this is a true BFP. I'm so grateful and happy, but cautious.

danger zones

I'm 8DPO today, or 7, depending on what chart you're reading. I'm trying not to be overly obsessed but of course that's all I can do. The last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is clean, purge, and organize. So today, I tackled the office. I moved a large desk, recycled a bunch, and tried to organize in a way that makes more sense (and that will encourage us to use the space more effectively). I supposed it's my way of getting control of something - anything, really, because I have no control over whether I'm pregnant or not.

The thing is, I shouldn't be moving heavy furniture, right? In fact when I did it, I got this horrible pinching down low, and it scared me to death. So now I'm convinced that I just jostled the implanted egg (that I don't actually know is implanted or not) and ruined the whole thing. Now it's something new to obsess about, and I've been looking up dangers of heavy lifting while ttc all night.

Day 8. I can't really test until day 12, and even that might be too early. Why can't I just sleep for the next few days and wake up when I can test?

Man oh man - this is ridiculous stuff.

mind, body and spirit

As with last time, I'm making this much harder than it could be. I'm reading every blog, website, and message board, second guessing every feeling that might be a symptom. It's enough to send me to a rough place, so I'm trying to remind myself to not go too far and instead take care of my mind, body and spirit.

One of the benefits of the two week wait is that I'm feeling very creative. I've made four new Xmas stockings and a small wreath. I might make another wreath (out of old book pages) - its fun and the small ones go so quick!

Today: playing hooky, taking care of our sick baby (toddler), currently watching Ellen.

Tonight: make a good, healthy dinner, snuggle my child, and hopefully clean a small section of this house.

bébé numéro deux

Well we're back on the baby-making wagon! Over the last few months B and I have definitely both felt the urge more and more, but it was really only a month ago that we decided to go for it. We found a new donor (it took a long time for me to get over not being able to use our original donor - but all the supply is gone so its just not an option), which I'm actually really happy with.

I didn't think we'd start this soon - I figured my hormones were way too out of whack, I wanted to lose more weight, etc., but I went to the doctor after doing a blood draw and everything looked good!

So we bought 4 vials and decided only five days ago that we'd do it, thinking that today would be ovulation day. We inseminated last night! 

The thing is, I only had been taking my temperature for a week so I don't have my pattern this time around. I also insem'd at almost midnight after getting my first positive OPK that morning around 11am. Now I'm thinking that was too early, especially because I felt ovulation cramping today. So I feel like we should've waited until tonight or even tomorrow. This is why we should have ordered two vials. 

Oh well. Next month I'll make sure I have a full month of temps and possibly order two vials. That said my first baby resulted from one one insem so I don't want to drive myself too crazy with the details. I realize that each person is different as well as each cycle, and I just need to stay patient (while still tracking and monitoring it all).

The countdown to 14 DPO (Jan 4, '13)

12/20 (11:30pm) insem

12/21 Ovulation: (9pm) ovu cramping - lots, and sharp!
12/22 1dpo: no more cramping, still +OPK (~3pm), late night gum/roof of mouth sensitivity
12/23 2dpo: tiny pinching, nothing bad; very faint OPK ~noon
12/24 3dpo: low-grade, annoying Ovu cramps pretty much all day
12/25 4dpo: more of the same, super tired
12/26 5dpo: not feeling much until evening cramping, starting to definitely over think every twinge!
12/27 6dpo: so, so tired; mild cramping, either sick or pregnant
12/28 7dpo: feeling OK, not many symptoms, slight cramping, dark nipples??
12/29 8dpo super cramping in a.m., metallic mouth, dizzy & queasy. coming down with cold
12/31 10dpo not much since yesterday, definitely pull in uterus, one very dark nipple, slightly queasy but sick so who the heck knows? very emotional, starting to feel like I'm not pregnant (very few symptoms)
1/1/13 11dpo still very tired, but I'm sick sick sick. slight pull in uterus, HUGE appetite in late evening
1/5/13 15dpo no period but four negative pregnancy tests. I still feel pregnant (particular twitches) but maybe I'm just in denial. High temp this morning. Will test again on Monday if no period, but not hopeful.
1/12/13  22dpo and got a BFP last night!

No, really. I'm queer.

Today was Pride downtown, and we didn't go. We went last year and marched, with the babe in a carrier, sleeping most of the way. It was a lot of fun, actually, although we decided not to do it again this year. It seemed too much of a hassle to bus in with a toddler and a stroller (last year it was super packed without our stroller). We weren't sure of the weather, either, and didn't want to get stuck.

And so on.

Really, we just didn't make it happen. And I'm kind of sad about that. Every year I think about Pride and its origins - the parade itself makes it hard not to be conflicted. Are we here to celebrate those who risked their lives rioting in New York in 1969? To recognize those who paved the way for me to even exist in my relationship without fearing for my life everyday? I hope so. But sometimes it seems like it's all about getting drunk and watching the buff&beautiful dance on top of the Bud Light truck. So, why bother? Why not find another, more resistant way to recognize this momentus day?

Because it's important for me to be there, and for my family to be there. We are a queer, hetero-normative-looking couple living with our toddler in the suburbs. But this is our community, and we should be there celebrating the fact that we can live our lives the way we want - we should be marching and showing everyone who cares to notice that we are creating happy, healthy, and loving families. We are not lucky - those drag queens, gay men, lesbians and queers helped hand us what we have today. Next year, I will celebrate that publicly, alongside my friends and their families. I can't wait.

new baby, new house, new job, new town...

It's been a long time! Since I wrote last, we moved houses. We had our baby in that house. Then we moved again to...the suburbs.

Wait, what? Yep...that's right. I moved to the suburbs. I grew up in different suburbs and swore I would never ever live in the suburbs again.

But here I am, and I kind of love it.

I don't love the commute, or having friends in the south-end now that I'm in the north-end. We don't have our queer haunts around us, and we aren't surrounded by queers. BUT - I'm totally thrilled with the house we're in, and I'm near my family, we're much closer to the woods, and farms, and really...it's not that bad.

Maybe this was predictable to others, but I still have to smile every time I find myself appreciating and loving my new surroundings. It happens a lot.

(and no, that's not my kitchen, but it's the theme of our new rental house, which I love)
(oh and there are queers up here - with kids!)

7 months

7 months along! almost 28 weeks. I can't believe it. I am feeling the baby move and hiccup on a regular basis. I have heartburn and my lower back is starting to hurt. We have a crib in our house and are starting to get gifts from our registries. And we have 35 people coming to our shower so far.

I want to write so much more but as I think of things, I also realize that this may become a blog based on queer parenting than about my birth (although that will certainly be in here, too!).

In the meantime, I found an incredible blog: http://www.acceptingdad.com/. You should check it out.

13th week

I'm now in my 13th week. Getting closer to the safe zone! I'm tired, of course, but my symptoms are really not that bad, all in all. I'm starting to not get nauseous, which of course is a nice change.

My belly is definitely starting to pooch out - it's starting to get hard to hide. I'll probably tell my office mates next week. I just want to hear the heartbeat before I tell anyone else. It won't feel completely real until then, I think. Although I'm starting to think it'll never really seem real? I'm big, I'm starting to have to avoid lying on my belly, I feel growing pains all the time...yet I'm still a bit in disbelief.

Anyway time for bed. It feels way past my bedtime. :-)

9 weeks 5 days

It's hard to believe I'm only in my tenth week. I want to tell people! Besides my parents, sister and one friend, I haven't told anyone. I'm too nervous. I get close to saying something often but I always back out. I will see a ton of my friends all at once this Saturday and I'm really tempted to tell them. But honestly I'd feel better at 14 weeks.

I'm feeling OK. Amazingly tired and a bit queezy if I don't eat every hour. My moods have been OK, until today, actually, when this morning I was quoted as yelling, "I hate everything and everyone and I have no idea what to do about it!" I'm feeling a bit better now, but yikes.

Lots of big changes - the biggest of course is that we're having this baby! Other than that we're moving after being in the same place for the past 6 years. And work has hit it's busy season (which lasts through November). I'm trying not to get too stressed or anxious but as you see from the quote above, it's not always working.

5 week, 1 day

It's real! I've done about 5 home tests and one blood test at the doctor's. Then I've had 3 tests for my hcg since. The numbers were 461, over 1700, then over 3600. So they're good!

I went to my first midwife consult yesterday - I have two more to interview before I make a decision. Although we'll probably go to the midwife we saw yesterday. She was great, and will be comfortable with B being trans. The thing is, I want a water birth and hopefully will have B in there with me when the big moment comes. I don't want to have midwives or students who can't handle a trans man's presence in the tub with me. Yesterday's midwife has a queer kid that we both know fairly well, so we know she's friendly. And her midwife partner is fairly new to the field but has been working with trans folks for the past few years.

It hasn't quite sunk in - I'm trying not to be too attached because I'm afraid the pregnancy won't stick. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy the fact that I'm pregnant!

So far the only people who know are my sister, my acupuncturist and B's best friend who happens to share her office with my acupuncturist. I'm still debating on how to tell my parents. I tried the other night but it sort of felt like I was coming out all over again - I was so nervous.

Symptoms so far: I'm exhausted, my boobs are sore and huge, and I have intermittent cramping. Oh and constipation has become a bit of an issue. Fun stuff! But I'd rather feel something than nothing.

TLP; tiny little positive, tiny little person

Today is 14dpo - when I would expect to get my period. But yesterday I was too impatient and took a cheapo early pregnancy test and got a faint line! I did two tests, actually - both very faint. Then today, same thing. Two tests, two faint lines.

They say that even the faintest of lines means I'm most likely pregnant. It's starting to sink in, although I need to make an appointment at the doctor's to make it feel real. I hope it's real!!!

New Pains 9dpo

I'm 9dpo today. At least 9 days past insemination. For most of these 9 days my nipples have been very tender, some days more than others. I didn't feel this last cycle, although I did feel like the sides of my breasts were bruised, which I also feel now. I had a low-grade dull aching going on for most of the days until this morning. I pushed myself over to lie on my stomach as I was waking up, and I felt a sharp quick pain in the right side, near the ovary. No cramps during the day, then tonight I stood up and instantly got pangs on both sides, and I've had prickling and short pains for almost two hours now.

Implantation? Pretty please?

another ultrasound

I had an appointment at the fertility clinic today. She went over my 3 day ultrasound, blood test and my HSG. We talked charting and next steps, which looks like it's going to be a clomid/hcg cycle. I'm nervous about it and really hope I'm just pregnant, of course, so I can avoid the drugs altogether.

I did ask her about the ovary pain I've gotten each cycle after/during ovulation, and suddenly I was having another ultrasound so we could see if I ovulated or not, and which side. The doc went above and beyond, which was pretty great! Anyway I saw my ovaries and the corpeus luteum post-ovulation, which was really cool!

So, today is 3dpo (I think) and it seems WAY too soon to have any symptoms. I'm cramping like I always do during ovulation, but what surprises me is how sensitive my nipples are.

Trying to stay positive and hopeful...

2dpo (i think)

I'm not sure when I ovulated. Today's the first day there's no OPK line, and last night my cervix was low but still open. I'm getting very frustrated about not knowing enough about my cycles, when what happens. And I have yet to find one doctor who has looked at my charts in depth. Just a quick glance, and "yep, looks great!".

Anyway we inseminated Monday night. It's now Wednesday afternoon. Today's mantra, "Healthy cells are dividing and dividing and dividing."

obsessed